Eight Years

This past weekend was the 8th  anniversary of the day I heard God’s still small voice telling me that he was going to heal me.   The day after, the day I had confirmation and felt for sure, God was working in my life.

I should have been celebrating,  but that Incredible anniversary walks hand in hand with our son’s birthday.   It was always the day before Graham’s birthday.   However, now that Graham is gone, these two days seem to bring memories of the best, most exciting thing to happen in my life and, arguably, the worst, although the loss of our granddaughter ranks up there pretty high.

But God…both of these dates were eclipsed by a roadblock that sent me on a different route.  I had been so excited that I had finally set an appointment to share my story of healing with some special ladies in Rhode Island.

But God… I’ll tell you that phrase has become my theme song.  A dear one at our church even made me a necklace because I held onto that truth through some challenging parenting days in our life almost two years ago.  I penned a ‘meme’ of my own back then.

But God…
He knows.  He cares.   He comforts. He’s in control.  And I’m safely tucked under his wings.  Regardless.

And once again.  But God…
I was planning on going to RI.  Had it all planned.  And yet.  As much as I thought this was God’s will, that he had worked out all the details to be just right.  Even the weather looked like it was going to co-operate. The ladies I was going to speak to are studying Joseph’s suffering.  So, I thought, how cool is this?  That God has it planned just so my story of pain was coming at the very time these ladies are studying Joseph.

Anyway.  But God…maybe as Joseph says to his brothers,  You meant it for evil, but God meant it for good.  Just maybe Satan, our adversary, sabotaged my trip But I will trust that my great God who has worked out so many things in my life for my good and His Glory will work this out for good also.

You see.  A week ago today, I had ‘urgent’ surgery.  I wasn’t whisked right into surgery, but the surgeon did schedule it two days later. I’m anxious to get back on my feet and feeling good.  I even went on two little walks.  Then I ended up back in the ER. I’m ok for now.

I desire to be the one who jumps up within a few days of surgery, feeling fine.  Be the tough, strong one who bounced back quickly, not to have a complication and a longer recovery.  And feel bad enough that I don’t even want to think about what is next.

I do feel the turning.  That turn from being ok with having limited sitting and standing time, enjoying laying around.   I have the urge mentally to get on with things, to write, to start cutting out that sewing project I’ve been planning!

And I will feel better.  I will handle this short roadblock and watch for when God uses it for His Glory. After all, I know what it’s like to have been touched miraculously by the hand of God.

But, for now.  I think it’s nap time.

Ruby Jean

“give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”

1 Thessalonians 5:18 NIV

We have had loss after loss this year.  First, our dearly loved middle child Graham had a car crash of which he did not survive.  God showed us how to give thanks IN this situation.  Yes, we could actually feel and be thankful IN that situation.  And, a month later, when my mom passed away a month before her 98th birthday, I could be grateful that her journey had ended.  I was thankful IN that situation.

This verse is so hard to take at some times when we are faced with hard things in life.  But, God had shown me once again that yes, even as I found thankfulness IN the pain disease I had for 18 years, I could discover thankfulness in these losses.

Thankfulness doesn’t have to be felt for us to give thanks.  This verse is not saying that we have to be thankful FOR what we are going through.   God has been teaching me this truth this year.

July 31st, I got off the plane in Ft Wayne, Indiana, all excited to see my daughter, her husband, and their new house.  They had bought that house to bring their precious little baby home to live in a few months.  And hopefully, to see her baby bump become apparent to all.  They were expecting their first child in Nov 2019.  When I got out of the airport, Ashley got out of the car, and it wasn’t, but moments after our hug that I realized that something was very wrong.  I had wondered that morning as I traveled, that she hadn’t been in contact like normal.  And I had known she was having a repeat ultrasound but had assumed that they were just going to say, oh, Baby is just a bit small.

My dear daughter, concerned for her still grieving mama and distraught herself, hopped in the back seat with me to share their devastating news with me.  I can’t remember all she said, but I got the gist of it.  Their baby had a fatal diagnosis.  Baby was not expected to survive birth.

Noooooo!  Oh, God!  Nooooo!  How can this be possible!!  I just wanted to crumble into the pain of hearing our daughter's very tragic, very awful news! 

I was stunned.  NOOOoooooooo was the cry of my heart.  No Jesus! This can NOT be happening. I had just started to feel as if I was coming up for air after losing my precious son.  How can I be asked to give up my grandbaby too!  My daughter to give up a baby after losing her brother, her cohort in all things family.

I do remember feeling crushed that night as I talked to my husband on the phone.  We were separated by so many miles during those early days of this new grief.  It was challenging, but I didn’t want to be anywhere but with our daughter.    I was thankful that my Heavenly Father had already planned my trip there.

 For three months, four days, I grieved this new little life we were not going to be able to cuddle and coo over, change diapers, feed bottles, cheerios, and yes, even green peas.   I think that the fact that it hadn't been a year yet since WE had lost a child just made it a bit harder to take.  Not that I wouldn't have been grieving the same for this little one, but the fact is that grief is incredibly draining.  Some days, it's all I can do to get up and get going. Some days, it's just a cloud overhead, and I can move through the things I have to do.  Notice, I said I have to do.  I'm not doing much that I don't have to do yet.  Adding grief over this baby, our daughter, and her husband on top of the other grief, was a bit much for this mom, daughter, gramma. 

I remember saying to someone, “there is just nothing GOOD about losing a baby”.   I was thinking of the verse, and my husband’s family motto...when things got tough, their mother would ask, is the plaque still on the wall?  They had a plaque that reminded them of the verse  “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him," Romans 8:28a NIV 

In my feebleness, I was not willing to accept or look for the good God could bring about in this situation.

I don't think I was angry.  Yes, I was.  At this degraded world, we live in and the sin that has so scarred us.  I was not precisely mad at God.  I knew he could change this outcome with just a thought.  I knew even Jesus was praying for us as we were going through yet another tragedy in our life.  I knew that God counts my tears precious enough to collect them in a bottle!  I must have a huge bottle! I knew even as I fought the idea that he could and would bring about good IN this situation too.  I didn't want to see that or accept it.

I wanted to jump up and down, stamping my feet, run up the stairs, and slam my bedroom door.  I told people that my little heart feet were stamping.  I was emphatic that nothing possibly could be reasonable about what he was asking of us this time.  NOTHING! 

I was angry that we were going through yet another time where we are the ones needing so much prayer and love from His faithful.

I was devastated.  Mostly for our daughter and her husband, but yes, because this would again be painful for us.  But also for this sweet precious baby.  I prayed that she would not suffer pain.  That God would take her before her scheduled Csection if she were going to suffer any pain.

I was incredulous.  This was just too surreal to take in.  That my loving God who had healed me from RSD,  who told me "I've got this" when I was diagnosed with cancer, who sheltered me under his wings when I was so very anxious a year ago, who comforted me, encouraged me, prayed for me, and loved me through the loss of our son and mom.  Who was walking beside me through the selling of my childhood home,  the loss of a beloved pastor and his wife, and imminent move of our wonderfully supportive friends thought it was ok to subject us to this loss so soon after the other losses. 

I was emphatic that nothing possibly could be good about what he was asking of us this time.  NOTHING! 

I also have learned that even in these awful times designed by the evil one to destroy us, that God WILL redeem the situation somehow! I didn’t know how He was going to do that. 

But God. ..

I prayed that God would allow them to meet her alive if it is His will and her best.  He gifted them with 34 minutes with their precious gem, Ruby. 

I prayed for our daughter that she would not have complications from the c-section.  She did not have any and has healed well.

I prayed that we could be strong for our children as they went through this loss. They had been married for a little over 3 years and had already lost his grandmother, her grandfather, her brother, her grandmother.  And now, God was asking them to love this wee baby for a short time here and the long haul as they await their turn to go home to this sweet baby.  I trust that we were strong for them and helpful too.

I prayed for no pain for Ruby.  She lived quietly, peacefully for 34 minutes with no sign of struggle or pain.

I prayed for Ashley and Nate as they said hello and goodbye to their precious sweet girl that they would not be overwhelmed by the conflicting emotions of joy over their precious one and grief over their precious one.  Having known both of those feelings, I couldn't imagine feeling them simultaneously.  God answered this in giving them both peace as Ruby slipped away from them and giving them time to be in awe of being Ruby's parents. 

I prayed for us as we didn't know what we were going to be experiencing within that hospital room.  I can't describe the feeling.  But, we stood there in awe of this wee one who was their special gift from the Lord.  This baby was perfect in her imperfection, in her death.  Ouch, I still don't like that word. 

We have much to be thankful for and to praise God for his redeeming nature. How he did indeed bring good about in even this most trying of circumstances. 

We give thanks not FOR our precious Ruby’s fatal diagnosis but IN the midst of it.  We can give thanks that God chose these two as Ruby's parents.  God is in control of life.  He has a reason for allowing this to happen.  Could it be that He had this sweet soul, he knew from the beginning of time to only have 9 months on earth, 34 min of breathing? God looked around and thought, who should I bless with being her parents?  He saw Nate and Ashley and all they had been through in their short marriage and said, yes.  They will steward her life and story well.  He blessed them with Ruby.  She is precious in the sight of God and in our eyes as well. 

And the good God can bring from something like this?  The strengthened interpersonal relationships.  The strengthening of the faithful.  We, as believers, are meant to bear fruit.  The fruit of the spirit.  Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, kindness, and self-control.  We saw much fruit being shown by his faithful. 

The times of the faithful coming together in prayer over this precious one was moving and encouraging. And always a good thing. "Where two or three are gathered in my name," says the Lord, "I am in the midst of them." It is always a good thing to be where God is in the midst of us! 

That God is glorified is a good thing!  And he is being glorified through this little life.   

And, the blessing of Ruby herself was a good thing. 

God knew all along that Ruby had only a short time here on earth.  He knew she would make an impact on all whose lives have been touched by her story.  It is our decision whether or not we will accept his Sovereignty or if we will continue to kick and scream about what we don't like that he's allowed in our lives.  I choose to accept his sovereignty. 

However, we will continue to grieve because death was not in God's original plan.  But God.   I hope that someday maybe he will let us see more good he's doing IN our continued grief. 

His Eye Is On The Sparrow

I have always loved birds.  I guess it might have something to do with the fact that my mother had a parakeet when I was just a toddler.  The story is that Petey would sit on top of the cabinet where mom was working and say, "baby cry, baby cry".  I've never thought of this, but when I was born, there was a 21/2 yr old in the house.  I have a feeling that he must've said, 'baby cry, baby cry' a lot for that bird to have learned that phrase.

Then, when I was 12, my parents gifted me my own parakeet.  We called him Petey!  Yes, I was really original, wasn't I?  I enjoyed having him around.  He didn't talk much but he did interact with us.  He would land on our head and then slide down our bangs to hang upside down into our faces.  I remember him walking around on our dog's back too and Blackie would just ignore his presence.

Fast forward again many years.   My friend was having a second baby and she asked or I offered to babysit her parakeet.  His name was Rupert and he never went back to their house.   Oh, how I enjoyed Rupert!  He was such a character. But, I don't remember if he spoke or not.  When I would be ready to make dinner, I could say, Rupert, go to bed and he'd fly back into his cage.  Later, we would cover his cage and he'd be quiet all evening while we watched tv.

We got a kitten when we had Rupert and they played with each other on the floor.  Too bad it was before videos on phones!

He would land on my shoulder if I was at the sink, work his way down to my hand and take a bath in the stream of water I would start for him.   He loved baths!

He also got himself into some not so fun for him situations.  I walked into our kitchen one day.  Here he was upside down in a goblet of water! I had a flower sitting in that goblet.  I guess he wanted a drink or a bath and slipped into the goblet!

One day I came home and found out that he had gotten himself into trouble with my husband and daughter!

Darryl was painting the family room.  Rupert landed in the can of blue paint!   Oh, I wish I had a video of that ruckus!  They got him out of the can somehow, and he tried to fly but hit the floor every foot or so.  I guess they gave him a bath, but he kept some marks of blue for quite a while.

There have been other birds too but enough of memory lane just to prove I like birds.  I do!  Very much! I wish I had thought of them back then as a symbol of the refuge we have in God.  I sure do think of them that way now.

These past 6 months have brought many difficult times in our family.  I know we are not the only ones who have struggled.  But I do know that God has helped me get through the day to day.

All through these months, I have been going through a Bible study called Thirty Day Walk with God in the Psalms.  As its name suggests, it is a 30-day study.  However, I have been going through one of those days a week, or so.  And oh how God has blessed this time in his word..  And continually, I've read and been encouraged by all the verses in Psalms that talk about taking refuge in the shadow of his wings, or that he's covering me with his wings. Etc.

I wrote a blog post about feeling like I was safely sheltered under His Wings while the storm raged around me!   I googled images of birds sheltered under a parent's wings.  And when the storm got too much for me, I took a deep breath, envisioned a picture of a chick under its parent's wings and allowed myself to feel God's comfort.  It truly helped me cope.

As I went through my days leading up to one particular week in August, I was working on memorizing Psalm 36:7-9:

How priceless is your unfailing love, O God! 

People take refuge in the shadow of your wings.

They feast on the abundance of your house; 

you give them drink from your river of delights.

For with you is the fountain of life;

in your light we see light. 

During that August week in 2018, I had a difficult trip to take. I was going to leave on Sunday and Saturday night we went to our monthly BoardGame Night.  I was not so nice to my fellow game group members as I was not a very good sport.   I'm ashamed of how I acted.  When we got home, I told Darryl that I realized that my trip over the next two days had me more emotional than I had realized before that night.   He held me and prayed for me.  I wish I could say that I got the emotions under control before I left but I didn't.  However, I was working on them and knew I would find refuge in the shadow of God's wings.  By the time I got to my destination, I was feeling more comfortable.

On my drive, I listened to a podcast that reminded me of the verses in Romans 8: 1;2

 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. 

Then I arrived at my destination in time to worship with a church whose Pastor had reached out to our situation and gave us hope.   During the course of that service, again, these verses were read.

They resonated through my spirit over the next few days.   This pastor and a woman in their church both had offered me housing when I came to their area.   But, the timing of my trip just so happened to be at a time when neither of them could have me visit them.  

I put out a plea to a family member who had once lived in that area.  She contacted her friends once again (it was through her friend we had found the pastor).   The first person she asked already had guests.  But the next two women who were asked said yes.  However, one, of course, responded first and I stayed with her and her husband in their delightful home along a river.   I just knew with the way things were going, that God had a reason for my staying at this particular home. I don't believe in coincidences.  

I'm sure any of the women who were asked would have been gracious and loving.  As was my hostess and her husband.   I just walked into this home and felt loved and cared for as they knew why I was there.  (which is someone else's story).  

When I went to bed that night I took in the decorations of their guest bathroom.  Birds.  Everywhere.  Very subtly there so that it took me a bit to realize that there were tiny birds in a tasteful way decorating that room.  And then, I noticed on the wall one of those written word graphics "His Eye Is On The Sparrow"!  Under it was a wall hanging with trees and birds perched on them.   I was so comforted at that moment, knowing that God had his eye on me and on the other person involved.  

The next morning when I pulled up my destination on GPS, I realized that one of the main roads in the neighborhood I stayed in was Sparrow!   Actually, I even saw an intersection of Sparrow and Sparrow!  

I was able to get through two very tough days trusting that I had found refuge under the shadow of His Wings.   

I ended up staying an extra two nights in that town.  The first one was in a hotel.  We had a very trying day after very little sleep in that hotel room.  I can't describe that awful/wonderful day but suffice it to say, I was exhausted by the time I was free to leave to come home.  It was around 6 pm, stormy and in my exhausted state, I knew I could not go home.  So I called this sweet woman once again and she said, of course, I could come back and stay that night.  God provided me with such sweet fellowship.  We are one in the spirit, for sure!  That is the beauty of the body of Christ!  We are sisters/brothers in Christ with those who also call him Lord.  So, I went back to their lovely home after the most trying of days to be once again nestled in a place that reminded me of God's beloved watch-care over me!  

I was there to be support for someone very close to me and I was able to share Roman's 8:1; 2 with him.  

We both felt God's hand on the situation.   He was more merciful than we could ever have dreamt of asking him to be.  

I went back again 2 weeks later.  I was under the impression that my wonderful hostess was on vacation so again I reached out to the first woman who had offered to house me.   I wanted to meet her, my sister in law's friend and this would be my opportunity.  Again, I landed in a very welcoming, comfortable home.   

I shared with my host and hostess my story of the birds at the first house.  Then, I retired for the night and while on the phone with my husband, I noticed that there were carved and porcelain birds sitting around the room!  Once again, our great God was reminding me of his love for me, just a little sparrow he's keeping his eye on.  

I came home only to be reminded by the birds I have around my house, inside and out, that He has his eye on the sparrow, and I know he has his eye on me too!  

It wasn't all bad...the perks.

I understand totally, that the thought of another entity living inside a human can seem other worldly or like science fiction to those who have not experienced this phenomenon.  But that is exactly what true Christians experience.  When we accept Christ as our Savior, repenting of a life of sin we are "sealed" with the promised 'comforter'.  The Holy Spirit, who is the third in our Triune Godhead.  We have God the Father, Jesus the son and the Holy Spirit.  

When Jesus was preparing his disciples for his leaving them after his death and resurrections, he told his disciples in John 14:16 And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Advocate (also translated as Helper, Counselor) to help you and be with you forever--

He promised his followers that even though he was leaving, they (we) would not be alone.  Other scripture tells us that the Holy Spirit comes to live within us.  He helps us, guides us, strengthens us, directs us, comforts us.  

We can learn to live by the Spirit.  When we are in fellowship with God we can learn to "hear his voice".  In John 10, Jesus tells how a sheep will follow the sound of only his shepherd.  I think they learn this because he spends time with them, taking care of them.  Just as a baby knows the sound of his parents voice too.   When we spend time with the Lord, through reading Scripture, praying and worshiping him, we can sense when he's leading us.  I can't explain it well and its not something you can understand unless you too have the Spirit.   

I don't hear an audible voice of the Father, but I do on occasion, have thoughts that I know are not my own.  Sometimes they stand out as obviously from the Spirit, other times its just a gentle knowing this is what I should be doing.  Sometimes its to do something for others, sometimes its chilling in its amazing clarity.  I do have a chapter in my book on Hearing the Shepherd's voice because sometimes, I'm amazed at how clearly I 'hear' his voice. His still small voice that is just a thought that goes through my mind and I know.  I just KNOW.  That thought was not my own.

I explain all this to say that recently, a friend texted me out of the blue that she felt she was supposed to tell me to get writing again.  Hmm....I am sort of in limbo with my book right now.  And, Satan keeps telling me (thats a whole other topic) lies such as that my book is just not good enough to do anything further with it now that I have written most of it.   I'm sure the manuscript I have now is really REALLY rough and needs a lot of work and editing.   But, with my friend telling me this, I have to believe that God has something in mind with this book.  
Even so, with lots going on in my life right now, I got busy and haven't returned to writing, partly because I felt I was 'done' the first draft and need someone to read it and help me fix it up.  That's going rather slowly and all I can say is that I believe that is either God's timing going on here OR the deceiver (Satan) is trying everything he can to keep this book from being read by people it could help.  

My book will give some people hope.  Hope when their situation looks dour.  Hope when they feel that death is better at that moment.  Hope that God, our creator, is working in our lives and even when we feel we know whats going on, we don't.  Only our God does.  Sometimes, it is just to bring him Glory somehow.  Sometimes, it's our loving Father wooing us and saying, come home dear one.  Come back to fellowship with me.   Sometimes he's our Father disciplining us because we have gone off into sin.   We don't always see what God is doing when he's working in our life but other times, we get a glimpse into the Glory he receives through working in our life.  My life shows the Glory of the Father.  And Satan.  Well, he doesn't want others to see that so he works overtime keeping me silent.  

And then again today, she texts me..  Will you get back to writing.  Please.  Hmmm.....

So here I am writing.  So, my friend, you have been one of the few who has continuously encouraged me to write.  I appreciate it.  

The interesting thing is that the first time she texted me, I wasn't sure I had anything else to write.    Then, today, BEFORE her text, I was thinking about my book and I realized something.  I have emphasized a LOT of pain and hurt and how our life was negatively effected.  Because, unless you can get a sense of how much I hurt and how negatively our life was effected, you might miss how incredible my healing was.  And why do I want you to see how in credible my healing was for me, my family? Because I want my God glorified for all that he did for me!   

Our life was very different than it would have otherwise been but there were some good times and I think I need to share some of our good times also.  For my sake.  For my family's sake.  For God's glory to show that He hadn't left me wallowing in my own mire, but he was there in the details and giving me good things.  I should have been more thankful for those things and seen His hand in even them.    

I want to take the time to think back on some of the good things, the happy times, the times that I should have thanked our God for providing.  The times that might have hurt and yet now, I can see how they have been for my good.

So Stephanie, there will be another chapter.  or half a chapter.  or maybe just an addendum and I believe it is through his guidance and your willingness to speak out to me when I wasn't maybe hearing his voice at first.  Sometimes, we have to hear things from other people.  Sometimes they have no idea that the Spirit guided their words to be just what a person needed to hear.  But, this time, she knew she needed to tell me.  And she knows, this was not of herself, she doesn't get the credit, God does.  However, I can be thankful that she followed the leading of the spirit and obeyed!  And I am.  Thankful that is.  

Tsunami

Have you ever felt like you were in a Tsunami of overwhelming trials?  When it seems like your emotions are being hit from so many different angles at one time?  And not just for yourself?

So far this year has been one of constantly being hit from many different directions.  And it isn't just our own family's struggles with the distant move of a child, death of a loved one, flu, possible pneumonia, another family member with struggles, caring for our mothers.  We have friends who are in great pain, having surgery, job struggles, marital issues, divorces, cancer (multiple people we know and love).   Then, there's hearing that others have had to replace a roof, a few with needing new heaters.  There's the mom we are praying for who lost her baby and almost her life due to the flu and was possibly going to lose her legs also!  With all these storms going on for people we know,  I just can't even look at all the trials that come across my facebook feed!

I had prayed last year, "Lord, break my heart with what breaks yours".  Not a prayer I would highly recommend.  (tongue in cheek because we do need to care and I just had felt like I wasn't really feeling other's pain enough).   Now I do find myself hurting for others and feel overwhelmed at times. And I don't always like it!

In his ultimate wisdom, God directs our paths and I believe, once again He has even used my faithlessness in having devotions every single day to his use.  And my good.   I am studying a book that the women of our church studied last fall.  It is meant to be done a lesson a day.  I, however, have split it into multiple days per lesson.  Meaning I study a  single Psalm for about a week.  But, sometimes it takes longer than that even with my missed days.   This study has truly blessed me this year as I have walked this hard road I seem to be traveling.  I know that my life circumstances in and of themselves were not horrific,  not as devastating as some people were/are facing.  But, they were mine and I felt as if my emotions were being hit from all sides.  I felt such ups and downs, great joy, great sadness, great fear, great worry and at times, feeling awful physically.  Although, the time of physical trouble was a bit of a blessing in that I had a good excuse to withdraw into my covers and watch podcasts to take my mind off my troubles and my discomfort.   I know my path is not as hard as some people's.  It's just that it has been mine and with so many things coming at me from what seems like all sides, I have felt at times as if I'm in a Tsunami of a storm.
   During my study of some of the Psalms, I studied Psalm 57.  Verse 1, in particular, stayed with me.
 Have mercy on me, my God, have mercy on me, for in you I take refuge.
I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed.

I was reminded of the refuge that is in God.  How he covers us with his wings like a mama bird and her babies.  I remembered a picture I've seen floating around the internet and 

 

I've looked and found other ones equally as sweet.   

    

These are wonderful pictures of the love of a mother for her baby chicks!  And, I know that for most of us mamas, and even dads, we love our children and would love to keep them snuggled under our wings.  However,  we must let them go.  And trust that they are snuggled safely under our Father's wings along with us!  I can't tell you how often I've had to remind myself over the years that Abba, loves my children even more than I do.  And that he has their best interest in as he has mine.

My studies also took me into Psalm 91 and there we have those special words once again.  

v4 He will cover you with his feathers,

    and under his wings you will find refuge;
    his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

At that time, my Tsunami seemed to be cresting over my head.  And I felt like I couldn't handle it some days.  Some days, I struggled with such overwhelming sadness, fear, and worry.  Then, I also struggled with the concern that since I was still worried and feeling sad that I wasn't trusting Abba like I should be.  Why was I sad, worried, fearful if I were supposedly trusting in him. 

But something in the words of these Psalms struck a chord within my soul.  Just as young chicks are safely ensconced under their mama's wings during storms, I am safely ensconced under the wings of my heavenly Father.  And then, it hit me.  That doesn't mean that the storm is not there any longer.  It is there.  And sometimes scary, fearful.   It's just that I'm safe.  Yes, I may still be scared and worried. There are times when I feel the tension building.   And then, I think of these words from the Psalms.  I picture this mama bird and her chicks. And I picture a raging storm around them.   And I breathe, just breathe.   The only lyrics I remember from the song by Jonny Diaz, Breathe although I do like to listen to it.  Using those words to help calm my inward self.  

And... I'm safe.  

And now, I can say with the Psalmist in Psalm 57

7 My heart, O God, is steadfast,
    my heart is steadfast;
    I will sing and make music.
8 Awake, my soul!
    Awake, harp and lyre!
    I will awaken the dawn.

9 I will praise you, Lord, among the nations;
    I will sing of you among the peoples.
10 For great is your love, reaching to the heavens;
    your faithfulness reaches to the skies.

11 Be exalted, O God, above the heavens;
    let your glory be over all the earth.

Pain to Purpose

Five years ago today was when I heard that still small voice deep in my heart whisper to me "I'm going to heal you".

Its been quite an interesting 5 years but the RSD is definitely gone!  Its been an interesting couple of weeks leading up to this date.  I've been reminded of a lot of things about the RSD and it's time in our life.  

But, life goes on and I'm still human and still have human hurts. 
I have whiplash.  Sustained by NOT hitting the car in front of me.  I just knew I was going to hit that car and did everything in my power to get my car stopped in time.  I missed by inches!  I feel for the person who was stopped in front of me because of a car stopped in front of them.  I hope they didn't see me coming, but if they did, I trust they weren't too traumatized!  

Because of the whiplash, I'm in PT again.  Its bringing back lots of memories of those days I spent in PT because of the RSD.

Also because of the whiplash my nerves throughout my body were set aflame with some of the RSD pain!  When I had RSD, I didn't obey this passage:

James 5:13-16New International Version (NIV)The Prayer of Faith13 Is anyone among you in trouble? Let them pray. Is anyone happy? Let them sing songs of praise. 14 Is anyone among you sick? Let them call the elders of the church to pray over them and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord. 15 And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise them up. If they have sinned, they will be forgiven. 16 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.

I often wondered over the course of the 18 years I had RSD why none of my elders or pastors offered to pray over me.  hmm... maybe because it says that I was to go to the Elders.  I don't even know if  4 of the churches we attended during that time even pray over people like that.  Because NO ONE talks about it!  

About a month and a half before my healing, I was convicted that I had never gone to the Elders to ask for a laying on of hands and prayer.  So, Dec 24, 2011 I asked my pastor and an elder if they did this for people.  Yes, they said, they did.  I asked them to do so for me.   We set a date of Jan 8? but it came and went and I never reminded them (it was, after all, Christmas Eve when I asked them).  I felt that I was not yet deserving of this prayer since I had another point of obedience I thought I should do before they prayed over me.    

I'm sure God orchestrated that whole scenario to show me that I need to be obedient.  In obedience, I asked the Elders.  I should have followed through and met with them to do it.   I also saw that God will do what he's going to do regardless of whether I obey or not.   He still healed me!  But oh, what blessing the church would have gotten had they know that the Elders had prayed over me and then I was healed.   

I saw that the Lord asked me to fast and pray for my niece to conceive.  I also prayed for our son and his wife that day.  They were both already pregnant by the time of my fasting!  But, what it did was set me up to be in sweet communion with the Lord the day he whispered to me.  I was most astonished but also knew without but a moment's hesitation that this was the Lord speaking to me.  And the next day in bible study we read these verses in Luke and I knew they were confirmation that the Lord was going to heal me.

Luke 13:10-13New International Version (NIV)

Jesus Heals a Crippled Woman on the Sabbath

10 On a Sabbath Jesus was teaching in one of the synagogues, 11 and a woman was there who had been crippled by a spirit for eighteen years. She was bent over and could not straighten up at all. 12 When Jesus saw her, he called her forward and said to her, “Woman, you are set free from your infirmity.” 13 Then he put his hands on her, and immediately she straightened up and praised God.

So, when the RSD pain hit a couple weeks ago, I was not quite sure what I should do.  You see, this was not the first time it happened.  After my cancer surgery, it happened also.  I didn't go to the Elders that time, they came to me because they knew my story.   I was ashamed that I freaked out instead of going to them.

This time, I prayed and thought about it all week.  I struggled at first wondering if it really was the RSD pain or not.  It was mild, but there.  All over my body.   I didn't know whether to go to my doctor as my personal doctor or as my motor vehicle doctor!  Crazy, but I have to be seen by the same doctor's office but when I'm there as a personal patient, I can't be seen for the MVI also! And vice versa... What's a woman supposed to do!   I realized that what I needed to do was to go to the Elders and ask them to annoint me and pray.   I needed to submit in obedience to the word.   I needed to trust the Lord that he had said to me, I"m going to heal you.  NOT I'm going to allow you to go into remission which is what my medical records say.

So I went to the Elders and they prayed over me.  I needed to be obedient, I needed to trust that the Lord had healed me.

My reaction each time this has happened was so totally different.  The first time, I freaked and God was still faithful and because of His faithfulness, I was able this time to trust him.

My RSD-like pain was gone from the time I left church that day.

This past Sunday, we sang two songs that NEVER fail to bring me to tears.  They remind me that even in the darkest of my days when I begged to go home to heaven, he was with me.  He had a reason not to answer those prayers.   He had something greater in store for me!  He also reminded me Sunday through those songs that he WAS with me even in my darkest.  And that is why I'm still here and that is why I didn't succumb to suicide like a huge number of RSD patients.  The suicide rate for RSD is very high for RSD patients.

We don't ever know why God is allowing Pain in our lives but God does, and it is always for our good.  Pastor Matt Townsend shared an incredible sermon on pain in our life on Sunday.  His purpose was to encourage two new Harvest pastors that there will be pain but there will be a purpose and to allow God to work through those times and not give up.  He spoke from knowledge of the pain he's been through as our pastor.  He spoke from knowledge that now, on the other side of tremendous pain, he has grown and our church is growing.  God used that time for Pastor Matt's growth.

But, Pastor also made it so relevant to the rest of us sitting there.  It was a great reminder to me of all God has done in my life and how he used my pain for his purpose.  His Glory.   Life is not about me, it is about Him.   A lesson I need to learn over and over.  And over.   Yes, and over.

The songs we sang were these, allow them to remind you that He is with you.  Yes, even in these tough painful times.

Matt Redman: Never Once

Standing on this mountaintop

Looking just how far we've come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us

Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You've done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You've done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we'll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
Your are, You are faithful, God, You are faithful.

Meredith Andrews: Not for a Moment

You were reaching through the storm
Walking on the water
Even when I could not see
In the middle of it all
When I thought You were a thousand miles away
Not for a moment did You forsake me
Not for a moment did You forsake me

After all You are constant
After all You are only good
After all You are sovereign
Not for a moment will You forsake me

You were singing in the dark
Whispering Your promise
Even when I could not hear
I was held in Your arms
Carried for a thousand miles to show
Not for a moment did You forsake me

After all You are constant
After all You are only good
After all You are sovereign
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Not for a moment will You forsake me

And every step every breath you are there
Every tear every cry every prayer
In my hurt at my worst
When my world falls down
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Even in the dark
Even when it's hard
You will never leave me
After all

After all You are constant
After all You are only good
After all You are sovereign
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Not for a moment will You forsake me