Ruby Jean

“give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”

1 Thessalonians 5:18 NIV

We have had loss after loss this year.  First, our dearly loved middle child Graham had a car crash of which he did not survive.  God showed us how to give thanks IN this situation.  Yes, we could actually feel and be thankful IN that situation.  And, a month later, when my mom passed away a month before her 98th birthday, I could be grateful that her journey had ended.  I was thankful IN that situation.

This verse is so hard to take at some times when we are faced with hard things in life.  But, God had shown me once again that yes, even as I found thankfulness IN the pain disease I had for 18 years, I could discover thankfulness in these losses.

Thankfulness doesn’t have to be felt for us to give thanks.  This verse is not saying that we have to be thankful FOR what we are going through.   God has been teaching me this truth this year.

July 31st, I got off the plane in Ft Wayne, Indiana, all excited to see my daughter, her husband, and their new house.  They had bought that house to bring their precious little baby home to live in a few months.  And hopefully, to see her baby bump become apparent to all.  They were expecting their first child in Nov 2019.  When I got out of the airport, Ashley got out of the car, and it wasn’t, but moments after our hug that I realized that something was very wrong.  I had wondered that morning as I traveled, that she hadn’t been in contact like normal.  And I had known she was having a repeat ultrasound but had assumed that they were just going to say, oh, Baby is just a bit small.

My dear daughter, concerned for her still grieving mama and distraught herself, hopped in the back seat with me to share their devastating news with me.  I can’t remember all she said, but I got the gist of it.  Their baby had a fatal diagnosis.  Baby was not expected to survive birth.

Noooooo!  Oh, God!  Nooooo!  How can this be possible!!  I just wanted to crumble into the pain of hearing our daughter's very tragic, very awful news! 

I was stunned.  NOOOoooooooo was the cry of my heart.  No Jesus! This can NOT be happening. I had just started to feel as if I was coming up for air after losing my precious son.  How can I be asked to give up my grandbaby too!  My daughter to give up a baby after losing her brother, her cohort in all things family.

I do remember feeling crushed that night as I talked to my husband on the phone.  We were separated by so many miles during those early days of this new grief.  It was challenging, but I didn’t want to be anywhere but with our daughter.    I was thankful that my Heavenly Father had already planned my trip there.

 For three months, four days, I grieved this new little life we were not going to be able to cuddle and coo over, change diapers, feed bottles, cheerios, and yes, even green peas.   I think that the fact that it hadn't been a year yet since WE had lost a child just made it a bit harder to take.  Not that I wouldn't have been grieving the same for this little one, but the fact is that grief is incredibly draining.  Some days, it's all I can do to get up and get going. Some days, it's just a cloud overhead, and I can move through the things I have to do.  Notice, I said I have to do.  I'm not doing much that I don't have to do yet.  Adding grief over this baby, our daughter, and her husband on top of the other grief, was a bit much for this mom, daughter, gramma. 

I remember saying to someone, “there is just nothing GOOD about losing a baby”.   I was thinking of the verse, and my husband’s family motto...when things got tough, their mother would ask, is the plaque still on the wall?  They had a plaque that reminded them of the verse  “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him," Romans 8:28a NIV 

In my feebleness, I was not willing to accept or look for the good God could bring about in this situation.

I don't think I was angry.  Yes, I was.  At this degraded world, we live in and the sin that has so scarred us.  I was not precisely mad at God.  I knew he could change this outcome with just a thought.  I knew even Jesus was praying for us as we were going through yet another tragedy in our life.  I knew that God counts my tears precious enough to collect them in a bottle!  I must have a huge bottle! I knew even as I fought the idea that he could and would bring about good IN this situation too.  I didn't want to see that or accept it.

I wanted to jump up and down, stamping my feet, run up the stairs, and slam my bedroom door.  I told people that my little heart feet were stamping.  I was emphatic that nothing possibly could be reasonable about what he was asking of us this time.  NOTHING! 

I was angry that we were going through yet another time where we are the ones needing so much prayer and love from His faithful.

I was devastated.  Mostly for our daughter and her husband, but yes, because this would again be painful for us.  But also for this sweet precious baby.  I prayed that she would not suffer pain.  That God would take her before her scheduled Csection if she were going to suffer any pain.

I was incredulous.  This was just too surreal to take in.  That my loving God who had healed me from RSD,  who told me "I've got this" when I was diagnosed with cancer, who sheltered me under his wings when I was so very anxious a year ago, who comforted me, encouraged me, prayed for me, and loved me through the loss of our son and mom.  Who was walking beside me through the selling of my childhood home,  the loss of a beloved pastor and his wife, and imminent move of our wonderfully supportive friends thought it was ok to subject us to this loss so soon after the other losses. 

I was emphatic that nothing possibly could be good about what he was asking of us this time.  NOTHING! 

I also have learned that even in these awful times designed by the evil one to destroy us, that God WILL redeem the situation somehow! I didn’t know how He was going to do that. 

But God. ..

I prayed that God would allow them to meet her alive if it is His will and her best.  He gifted them with 34 minutes with their precious gem, Ruby. 

I prayed for our daughter that she would not have complications from the c-section.  She did not have any and has healed well.

I prayed that we could be strong for our children as they went through this loss. They had been married for a little over 3 years and had already lost his grandmother, her grandfather, her brother, her grandmother.  And now, God was asking them to love this wee baby for a short time here and the long haul as they await their turn to go home to this sweet baby.  I trust that we were strong for them and helpful too.

I prayed for no pain for Ruby.  She lived quietly, peacefully for 34 minutes with no sign of struggle or pain.

I prayed for Ashley and Nate as they said hello and goodbye to their precious sweet girl that they would not be overwhelmed by the conflicting emotions of joy over their precious one and grief over their precious one.  Having known both of those feelings, I couldn't imagine feeling them simultaneously.  God answered this in giving them both peace as Ruby slipped away from them and giving them time to be in awe of being Ruby's parents. 

I prayed for us as we didn't know what we were going to be experiencing within that hospital room.  I can't describe the feeling.  But, we stood there in awe of this wee one who was their special gift from the Lord.  This baby was perfect in her imperfection, in her death.  Ouch, I still don't like that word. 

We have much to be thankful for and to praise God for his redeeming nature. How he did indeed bring good about in even this most trying of circumstances. 

We give thanks not FOR our precious Ruby’s fatal diagnosis but IN the midst of it.  We can give thanks that God chose these two as Ruby's parents.  God is in control of life.  He has a reason for allowing this to happen.  Could it be that He had this sweet soul, he knew from the beginning of time to only have 9 months on earth, 34 min of breathing? God looked around and thought, who should I bless with being her parents?  He saw Nate and Ashley and all they had been through in their short marriage and said, yes.  They will steward her life and story well.  He blessed them with Ruby.  She is precious in the sight of God and in our eyes as well. 

And the good God can bring from something like this?  The strengthened interpersonal relationships.  The strengthening of the faithful.  We, as believers, are meant to bear fruit.  The fruit of the spirit.  Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, kindness, and self-control.  We saw much fruit being shown by his faithful. 

The times of the faithful coming together in prayer over this precious one was moving and encouraging. And always a good thing. "Where two or three are gathered in my name," says the Lord, "I am in the midst of them." It is always a good thing to be where God is in the midst of us! 

That God is glorified is a good thing!  And he is being glorified through this little life.   

And, the blessing of Ruby herself was a good thing. 

God knew all along that Ruby had only a short time here on earth.  He knew she would make an impact on all whose lives have been touched by her story.  It is our decision whether or not we will accept his Sovereignty or if we will continue to kick and scream about what we don't like that he's allowed in our lives.  I choose to accept his sovereignty. 

However, we will continue to grieve because death was not in God's original plan.  But God.   I hope that someday maybe he will let us see more good he's doing IN our continued grief.