Because I can...

Sometimes it takes a bit more than a quick 'Because I can' on Facebook.  And this is one of those times when I need to write a bit more or I might have many separate Because I cans and that could be annoying too!

I am so very thankful to my God and Father because I can!  Because I can do so many things that in years past, would not have been possible! I had so many hopes and dreams that while I was ill, just felt like they were slipping through my fingers.  I also would sometimes rag on myself that I wasn't going to be able to be the gramma I wanted to be, the mom of the bride I wanted to be, the wife I wanted to be.  Never tho, did I think about not being able to be the daughter I wanted to be.  But, I have learned that I needed to dream about the daughter, wife, mother and gramma that GOD wanted me to be.  I still get in the way sometimes, well, more than I should but I'm working on me!  I am learning to enjoy being what God wants me to be!  And "out of his glorious graces" he has allowed me more of my old dreams than I deserve!

Because I can...

I was available for my daughter as she planned her wedding. 

And not through the fog of  Rx drugs!

I was able to support and encourage my husband through his time out of work.

and not always be focused on me!

I was able to shop, shop, shop with my girl!

and love every minute of it being out of the wheelchair!

I was available and able to help her move into her new apartment 

And actually able to lift boxes, etc.

I was available and able to clean the old apartment. 

 And not pay mightily for it!

I was able to remember almost everything I was supposed to bring to Maryland!

And help pack the van and unload!

I was able to run errands the day before the wedding!

and not sit in the car while Darryl went inside!

I was able to make a few dresses for the wedding

and do a decent job on them!

I was able to choose nice shoes to wear.  

oh wait, they wouldn't have hurt if I'd sat in my wheelchair!

I was able to run up and down the stairs of the B&B!

But I still called on husband and sons to run for me! 

well, some things never change!

I was able to help with the 'decorating' of the reception.

I can follow directions now.

I was able to deal with the florist and ask for a change in the flowers.

without crying!  or getting angry!

Some of that was because of Kaye Patton, 

Ash's attendant who was my help also!

I was able to do my own hair and make up.  

and not cringe at myself in the mirror.

I was able to enjoy my granddaughter 

and even put her to bed at night!

I was even able to hold the baby that came as a guest!

and not be worried about dropping him. 

I was able to enjoy the wedding

without PAIN!

I am able to look back at the pictures and see my wheelchair.  

The wheelchair I got because my 14 yr old daughter wanted me to go shopping with her.

The wheelchair that was now available 

so one of her three sweet grandparents could comfortably attend the wedding!

I saw the answer to many prayers for our daughter's future husband, Nate.

I didn't know who God planned, but He knew who I was praying for all those years!

 God's best plan for our girl!

I am able to delight in the fact that I adore my sons 

and now have another one!

I am able to enjoy the feeling of completeness in our family

with the additions God has granted us!

Some of these because I cans are because of my physical healing 

and many are also because of my spiritual healing.

Thank you God, for the past 6 months of  Because I Cans.

Pouty Little Brat

 Feeling like a pouty little brat these days.  

I have so much to be thankful for.  Like since the second  Christmas we were parents, we've had a child here in our home Christmas morning.   

And we have 3 parents to visit Christmas Eve and Day.  

And we have two sons to see this week sometime.  And a daughter we've had Christmas, I've gone to The Nutcracker Suite with  and will have dinner with on Wed.  

And we have a house.  Food.  Two cars.  A cat.  A dog.   Each other.  

I know several people for whom this will be the first Christmas without their loved one because that loved one has departed this life.  

 And it's not like our first Christmas which we woke up to get dressed and go see our 5 week old firstborn as he lay in an "OHIO" bed in Allentown General Hospital hooked up to life support.   

And it's certainly not like the first Christmas night over 2000 years ago when Mary gave birth to her firstborn child, a son.  She wrapped him in CLOTHS and laid him in a MANGER! 

This was all after she had ridden a donkey for miles and miles and found no place to have her baby.  There were no hospitals. Doctors.  No red roof inn on every corner! 

And yet.  Here I am with my pouty little self sad because our daughter is having her first Christmas AWAY from home!  Yikes mama! Get a grip!  And yet, the sadness lingers even after I know all this.  

And I'm happy that she has this trip to make!  

I'm working on it but gee it's still hard!  Haha!  

I must get grip and remind myself of all those other Christmas' when our children were here with us.  Then try and remember back to our first two Christmas' and how excited we were to be together on those mornings.   And MY mother and Mother in law were dealing with the absence of children on Christmas morning.  

And I will also try to think about Mary and all the things she did without that first Christmas and her response was:

"But Mary treasures up all these things and pondered them in her heart."  

Luke 2:19

And try to stop being a pouty little brat.   

God Desires Willingness

Today, once again, I was shown a very important lesson.  God does not always ask the easy from us, and even then, all he really wants from us is our willingness to do what he's asked.

I have family coming this weekend.  Some, we haven't seen in a while and my sons haven't seen in even a longer time. So, you can imagine, we've been trying to get ready.  However, life keeps getting in the way.  It's less than 24 hours to go and I still have to decorate.  I think the decorating is going to be a bit less this year!  And, that's ok!  It really is because while I was sick, I learned that we can still celebrate and enjoy our family even when we don't have totally decked out halls.  For example, we've been known to not get any ornaments on the tree!  Yup, that's right.  Justs light were on our tree at least 2 years that I can remember.  I wasn't too happy the first time but I've learned that its actually ok.  And, in some ways, kinda pretty!  Hmm....I can't decide what ornaments I'm using this year...maybe just lights again would do! Although I'm off the hook for tomorrow because I don't have the room for all this company AND a tree! :)

Anyway.  Last week, I thought I had all this time available and could actually get our guest bathroom painted.  We've been here almost 3 years and it was "OK" till now.  Needed to be done, but on the we'll get to it list.  So, last week, we got to it.  Haven't decorated it yet and still don't have the towel rack back up, but, hey.  It's painted!

I also said yes to a very interesting day for this past monday. I said, yes, I would go serve the Gettys and their entourage as their runner (go-fer).  It was quite an interesting day, and I doubt I'll be asked back to do it again, but I had an adventure.   I just happened to be in one of my gluten induced brain fogs. I think I said I'm sorry more times than is legally allowed if that's possible.  But, I said yes when there was a need.  And I'm glad I did it!  I also knew that God could shut the door by not having me chosen to be the runner.  So when I was, I felt it was my assignment for Monday.

I stayed overnight at my mom's that night since she had my dog and was closer than home. Even tho, in said, fog, I actually drove almost halfway home because of the missed turn to her house before I got going the right way!  I'm dangerous in those fogs!

I was going to get up, come home and get to work at my house that day but God had a different assignment for me.  I noticed that mom's kitchen and bathroom needed to be cleaned before her Christmas company arrives.  And, I had time, didn't I?  I also realized it was the best day to give her a haircut and set.  And, it would save me a trip down there yesterday or today.  I also got to make her and my brother dinner and share it with them.  I had time, didn't I?   And I'm so glad I did that!

Then, Wednesday I was REALLY in a gluten /allergy fog and not good for much of anything.  But, I did get the bathroom back together (yup, still wasn't back together) AND cleaned that bathroom.  That job was on the must-do list for company.  All else could be done without.  The decorating we could do without totally if need be and the food could even be bought if necessary.  But, the bathroom, well, a must.

Then I spent most of Thursday planning and buying the food, making tea bread and feeling pretty good about where I was at, at that point I allowed myself to wander the stores and I came home exhausted.  Truly exhausted.  My legs ached like they haven't in a long time.  And I hadn't really done that much to feel that way.  Oh, did I mention that my electricity acted up on Wed night? I had to have someone come look at it, making many trips up and down the stairs checking out the breaker panel.  PECO had to be called and many more trips up and down stairs because he came at 730 AM.


Then, Thursday night, I got the best gift of the week in terms of stress.  My husband came home a day early from his business trip!  He will be here tonight to assist! And this is where I got the text that a friend was in need.  I had a choice.  I could say, I'm truly sorry but I just don't have time right now or, I could do the good that I felt God was asking of me.  It didn't take long to say yes.  That was to be today.  She was having surgery this morning and needed me to keep her company this afternoon between two others who would be with her.  An easy job although away from home.  But, we'd been saying we wanted to help if we could during her surgery/recovery.

I told my husband that I had said I'd do this and that we'd just do without anything I couldn't get done.  He wholeheartedly agreed.  You see,  we've decided that others and their needs are more important than us and what we want to do.  I could have said no and gone on my merry way, overdoing it for company, etc.   But,they are coming, no matter what I get done.  And yes, they'd enjoy the decorations and food I could over do on preparing.  But, it's really family we are all interested in, not the extras.

We also know from experience, how much it hurts when someone says that what they "have to get done for Christmas" is more important than visiting a friend(me) who was hurting.  I mean, she asked what she could do for me. And I told her, I needed a visit.  But, she was too busy for that kind of helping.   PLEASE, don't ever tell someone that kind of thing!  All the stuff that goes with Christmas is just stuff.  I hardly do 1/10th of what I did preRSD for Christmas, but the people around me are more important to me now.

And yes, here I sit writing a blog post.  I've spent time in prayer and sitting before the Lord and felt I needed to write this.

You see.  God asked something sacrificial of me today.  And, even tho I would also be blessed by being able to visit my friend, I was sacrificing some of "MY" time today.  Really, dear friend, it didn't feel like a sacrifice tho many would think it was).

God asked.  I said yes.  But, God asked me even tho, he knew I would not have to follow through.   I was in prayer this morning over my day and Lord, how am I going to get everything done and what order to do it in.  My my SIL encouraged me to make sure I walk a straight line between that moment and tomorrow.  Not to get carried away with side tracks that aren't necessary.  I've had to remind myself of that a few times today when my gaze (and yes, body) got looking off the line!  But, I am walking this 'tightrope' still and need to be careful to stay on the rope!    I feel this time I've spent this afternoon praying and writing were actually rests that God had set up for me along the rope.

Anyway, getting back to when I prayed this morning while I cleaned my shower, a text came in for me.  Sadly, my friend was probably not going to be having her surgery today and later was admitted rather than coming home and needing me to visit.

God asked. I said yes, Lord.  And he has said, thank you for your willingness but I don't need you at this time.

The year I was healed, I must have heard the admonish from the Word to do the good that is asked of you a hundred times in different ways and through different sources.  I felt God was trying to get that idea across to me.

And sometimes, God says,  "All I wanted was your willingness".

Be willing, my friends.  God's got it under control!

Now, I'm off to decorate!  And, I finally actually feel like decorating which is the reason I haven' t done it yet!

broken crayons

This really spoke to my heart, and reminded me that I am broken, yes.  BUT God can still use me!

I remember being horrified by a broken crayon!  Yes, when I was a child, I delighted in taking the paper off the crayons!  What is it with children and that overwhelming need to strip the crayon to nothingness?  BUT, don't let a crayon break or I'd be heartbroken!  

When I was 12, I realized I was a broken crayon!  Before then, I was innocent and thought I was still a fully papered and unbroken crayon.  Then, I overheard something that sent me spiraling into brokenness.  I heard someone I thought a lot of, call me a brat.  It was devastating!  That's because I didn't know until that moment that I wasn't a perfect brand new crayon straight out of the box!  

I spent the next few years with my head hanging down and hiding my brokenness from the world.  I really felt uncomfortable with anyone looking me straight in the eye because they might see my broken imperfect self and not like me.  

Then as a mom, I was always so on edge to be the perfect wife and mother, that I sadly, became quite the opposite!  I would get actually upset when my children would break a crayon (esp when done on purpose) or tear the paper off the crayon which was always done on purpose. That wasn't the only thing I was harsh with them about. I felt that I had to have perfect children or I wasn't going to be looked at as good enough.  Yikes, my poor children. 

I felt I had to be perfect for my husband to like me and love me.  This is something that now when I look back on it, I was definitely believing a horrible lie of Satan's.  I mean, he loved me enough to marry me, right?  That I wasn't good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, etc. etc. etc.  For my kids. For my husband. For my parents. And other family.  Those were all lies of Satan's.

I had such a low self esteem problem.  But I also was dealing with a few people in my life who either did find everything that was wrong with what I did, even if they liked what I did, they always felt the need to tell me what was wrong BEFORE or even totally instead of ever giving me any encouragement.  

I also had some people in my life who was never satisfied with what anyone did, wore, said, etc.  So, if they critiqued everyone else around me, then I must not have measured up either.  At least, that is what I thought.

I wallowed in a lack of self confidence for a long long time.  God has used some hard things and some great things in my life to bring me to the point where I really understand having Christ confidence rather than self confidence.  AND that it's what is on the inside, not on the outside that counts.  You see, God says "greater is he that is in me than he that is in the world" and that's because God has given me the Holy Spirit to live within me and is the same power that raised Jesus from the dead!  

So what if my paper is missing and I'm broken! I still have that power in me and can do all with God's strength!   I've also learned that I don't have to be perfect or measure up to anyone but God.  I need to do my best but not stress about perfect.  Perfect is nice but not really attainable and the more I wanted perfect, the more I saw it was not possible.  

I've also realized that all those people in my life who were expecting perfection in others' lives are also broken crayons hurting in some way themselves.

So now, when my granddaughter takes the paper off or breaks a crayon, I will remember, it's ok.  Its what is on the inside of the crayon that counts!  And remember that this dear sweet child doesn't need to be taught to have to be perfect.  

Overwhelmed with Emotion

This has been quite a week for people I love.  I'm so overcome with emotion that I feel almost strangled by my emotions.

There have been joyous announcements of new babies being born and birthdays such as our son who is now 35.  I can't believe I've been a mom that long.  

And then, there is the anguish I see going on all around me.  Not only have we seen what's going on in France and all the hurt and fear there but my cousin passed away Monday.  That same day, our daughter's twin friends lost their grandmother.  And now, the hardest one to process is the passing away of a young girl.  This is a child of one of "my" girls.  That's what I called the girls to whom I was 'youth sponsor' for back in the 80s and early 90s.

Sometimes I worry that I am not able to feel, let alone show, empathy, or sympathy or any emotion at the hurts and struggles of others.

But this one has hit me hard and there lies the reason for my turmoil today.   I have not seen Shannon since she was a teenager.  She has since gotten married, had beautiful children and lived in London.  A lot of life lived since I've seen her.  But when I heard that her children were diagnosed with this awful disease, Sanfillipo dusease, a genetic disease that is a death sentence for the children, I started following her blog.  How does one live with something like this?  With fear and anger and determination to provide the best for her children.  With faith. And with grace is how Shannon has and is living through this awfulness.  And because of that, I've followed her journey.  I haven't met this sweet child of hers or her son, but, through their story, I've found I do have the capacity for hurting for someone else.

My soul has been crying out in "groans that words cannot express" for this family.  There's her parents, her brother, aunt and uncles and grandparents all feeling this awful loss of a life that was very hard. (and yes, even the family dog is hurting)  and I hurt for them.  As a grandmother myself, I can not imagine the pain of not only losing my grand-daughter but, the hurt I would feel for my child also.  That's what we as moms do.  We hurt when our children hurt.  And so, we hurt for them and for us.

But, I believe that Waverly is with the Lord now.  And her life has just gotten so much better! She would not want to come back here for anything!  She is not missing anyone here in this place we call home for a short while.  She is not missing her wheelchair.  She only has eyes for the Savior.  If only we lived this life with eyes only for the Savior, we wouldn't have all the fear, anger, pain, sorrow, heartache, etc that we have here.  But until we are in his presence, we can not quite carry that off.  We will, though, one day when we finally are called home!!! And oh, how I long for that day!

 I can see things from her side because I once longed to go home.  God has called Waverly home!  She is free from the shackles of this life! She is free from pain, free to walk and talk and dance and praise her heavenly Father.  Her life has been touched by the love of a wonderful earthly father who has been by his daughter's side through all her struggles.  She was taught well what the love of a father is and now she is in the arms of her heavenly Father who is infinitely more praiseworthy than we can think of or dream!  

I have been feeling lately that we ought as believers to be joyous when someone,gets to go home.  I do not believe in saying, oh that's such a shame.  I see it as a wonderful thing for them.  I found I do feel pain for others, because I am hurting for those who have lost loved ones. God has asked a huge sacrifice of the life the McNeils had planned.  And oh I can not imagine the pain they are feeling right now!   They will never stop loving or missing Waverly.  And the worst part is that they will have to go through this all over again.  With their precious son.  And so, while feeling a sense of joy that this child's struggle is over my heart is breaking for her parents.  Her grandparents.  Her brother.

With all the death going on in this world my dear Christian brothers and sisters, we need not grieve for the departed, we grieve for their loved ones and our loss of someone so precious to us. I need not pray for Waverly anymore, she's home with the savior, I pray for her loved ones.   I need not pray for cousin Jim but I pray for his loved ones.  I need not pray for the twin's Nonni, but I pray for the family.  I do not pray for those Christians who are losing their life around the world but I pray for their loved ones. 

I pray God's loving arms encircle and carry them through the days ahead.  I pray that the Lord would envelope them with the "peace that passes all understanding" to carry them through this time.  And Lord, I pray that you would be with Shannon and Matt esp as they go on without their dear child and as they continue to love and care for their beloved son.  I pray for Oliver as he probably doesn't understand what's happening in his life.  I pray that your desire is to give the McNeils as much time as possible with Oliver.  

As someone who has begged, literally, begged God to take me home, and then experienced his miraculous healing I have a new outlook on life.  At the point of my healing I felt such a closeness to the Father that I felt almost singed by his touch.  I long for that again when I get Home. Some day. As a child of the Creator God through my faith in his son and his work on the cross, I know that if I am not here on this earth any longer, I will be in my Father's arms in heaven.  That's his promise.  But for now He wants me to stay here on this earth and I'm enjoying the life he's given me.  I am enjoying being a mother and grandmother.  I am so very thankful to be well enough to help my mom when she needs me.  

I am not afraid of what the evil one has planned in this world, his world, because I know that when I leave this earthly body, I will be in glory!  I need not be afraid but diligent to do the father's work which is why he said no when I begged.  And what I need to be about.  And, I think that His greatest will for me is to love, yes love even those who want to do us harm.  

Lord, I pray that you would use the turmoil in this world to grant to others repentance that they too may one day Dance with You in heaven!   

But for now, I am still grieving for this young family.  While I rejoice with Waverly for her freedom.


Hosea 6:1 Come, let us return to the Lord for he is good.

Acts 2:38 

Peter replied, “Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.

John 3:16(NIV) 16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

Ephesians 2:8,9 (NIV) 8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—9 not by works, so that no one can boast.

Spiritual Warfare

Ephesians 6:12 

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

This has been an interesting week.   And after today, I'm feeling as if it has been a struggle against the spiritual forces of evil!  

I have been feeling as if the Lord is leading me to write a book about the RSD, his healing me and then my cancer.  Next week is the week I set aside to be away from home and to concentrate on writing.  

And then...this week happened.

1st, I found out that the cabin I'm staying at is not accessible in my car (daughter couldn't get in there last weekend in that car), because there's 1 1/2 ft of snow on the mountain!  And with the rain and warmer temp melting the snow, the road is going to degrade even more.

2nd, When DD arrived at the cabin, she found a leak in the kitchen.  This was kept at a minimum by keeping the water OFF and turning it ON for each and every use!  Fun, eh?  Cabin owner/ brother is working on that detail! 

3rd, My friends are coming in a vehicle that should make it up the mountain and will meet me and take me with them.  SO, getting there will be no problem!  YAY!  But then, someone pointed out, how can I stay after my friend leaves if my car is at the entrance to the neighborhood? They said, you'll have to leave with your friend!  Oh, NO! What to do!?   (I still haven't figured out that problem).   

4th, On her trip home, DD noticed a shimmy in the car at high speeds.  So, here I am, planning to take that car to a cabin which I can't access in that car and a leak at the cabin.   The thoughts are swirling about whether or not I should cancel but I really need to do this.  See my friends for one, and get writing for another.  

5th, On top of all that, I've purposely made a busy week for myself because if I'm not busy, I just can't seem to get myself moving to do anything.  And, I've been feeling so very groggy this week.  So much so that I am seeing double.  This isn't a new symptom but much worse this week than before.   I decided yesterday that maybe I'm depressed and I need to pursue this idea.    

6th, I found out that the car needs new tires and shouldn't really be driven like this and that they cant get tires till friday!  That is AFTER I need to leave!  

7th,  I was quite busy then, making lunch for a friend who was coming over, while figuring out how to get to my babysitting gig tonight.   

HOWEVER!!!  I had decided to ask several people to pray for me this morning since I was feeling that I might be depressed.   They all agreed to pray for me.   As I look back over my day I realize that after I asked for prayer several things happened...

1.  One of my praying friends offered their car so I could get to my babysitting job.  I didn't end up needing it but the offer was a blessing I wouldn't have had without asking for prayer which led to them knowing of my need for a car.
And then they offered to bring me dinner tomorrow night before small group since hubby is going to be on his way home from a business trip! 

2.   One of my praying friends invited me to lunch tomorrow.

3.  One praying friend called and encouraged me that maybe this is more a stress related symptom because of my impending writing.  Or, maybe I'm still not fully recovered from the surgery and radiation.  While we talked, I was able to share with her what happened at lunch and we were BOTH encouraged by that.

4.  I talked to my pastor who was also dad of my babysitting gig tonight.  We rescheduled ( a blessing in more ways than one) and he prayed for me.  Encouraged me.  

5.  We realized that since I can't get our larger car to the cabin, there's no reason I can't take our smaller car! It can just as easily sit out by the entrance! AND, I'll not be tempted to try to get the car up to the cabin if I have the little one with me! 

6.   I noticed that the grogginess had left soon after I asked for prayer!  And I was able to deal with all the other goings on without freaking out which is more my norm! I did need a rest this afternoon, but that I think was a much needed rest not laziness or depression! 

7.  To top it all off, God used my Hindu friend to encourage me that writing this book is important!  She loved hearing about my healing (last summer) and then was interested in hearing about what went on with my bout with cancer.   She said she told her children about me hearing from the Lord that he was going to heal me and my subsequent healing.  She said she wanted them to hear bout someone seeing their "higher power" work in their life, because there are so many people turning their backs on their higher power.    We may have different higher powers but our faith is very important to both of us.   We also talked about my writing this book.  She said that I needed to write this because my story gives people HOPE!  

And that is what I needed to hear today!  She didn't stop there, she also sent me flowers for having her for lunch!  She has no idea the blessing/encouragement she was to me today!  

7.  I'm also not freaking out about figuring out how to get back out of the mountain if I stay when my friends leave.  

Oh I've come up with some doozy ideas of how to get out.  Including backpacking my stuff back and forth (you wouldn't want to do that either if you saw the hill up to the cabin about 2 miles into the neighborhood!) Or maybe this will work...I could get a sled to sled my stuff out!  Or, maybe I could rent a snowmobile!  Or an SUV.  OR,  well, you get the idea! I'm still looking for a way to stay!  Or, maybe I need to find another place to write.  I have some other more practical ideas and if the Lord wills, I will find a way to stay or another place to work.    

But all in all, I think that "the powers of this dark world and the spiritual forces of evil were silenced through the prayers of my friends.   At least for today.   I've accomplished so much (more than I've even mentioned) in this day which started out with me feeling depressed and unable to motivate myself to get things done.  

I serve a great and wonderful God who cares about even these little details!  

P.S.  I would covet any and all prayers

a.  to hedge me in with God's protection against those forces of evil while I write my book. 

b.  that I will lean on Him for the words I need to convey the truths that will bring Glory to my God.  Which in the end is the reason I feel led to write!  To God be the Glory!  

c. Oh, and pray that the leak can be fixed easily (soon) and without great cost to my bro, the owner of the cabin.  

d. oh, and maybe you could throw in a prayer that I find a way to stay at the cabin!  

Thankfulness for the big "C" diagnosis.

Happy Thanksgiving!   Every year we think about for what we are thankful.  God, salvation, family, friends, a home, food, adventure.   Some years we just simply believe we've had too much happen to be thankful.   And these are the easy things to say.  We don't have to think about them.  Everyone is thankful for them.

And sometimes things happen and we need to look at them maybe a bit differently.   Find ways to be thankful even in the hard times.  I have not always been able to do that.  I have a tendency towards feeling sorry for myself.  I've been known to hold a fantastic pity party!  

This year however,   I have learned to be thankful even after that dreaded big C diagnosis!!!   I used to worry about being sick, cancer, dying.   Then came the RSD and I didn't have to worry about getting sick anymore.  I was sick.   I also became very sick emotionally.  Spiritually.   Then God called me to repentance and suffused my life with himself.  Then he healed me from the RSD.  

During the years of RSD I yearned to go “Home”.   I begged for it.  I longed for it.  I prayed many times for it.   And then while The Lord was calling me back to himself  I was reminded of how wonderful heaven is and now I long to be with The Lord.  But.  When he says it's time to come home.   My desire during those years to go home and then my revival bringing me to a desire to be with the Lord above all else has left me with an interesting view on death and dying.  I am no longer afraid of dying.  As I've been know to say Dying might be the worst thing to happen but it will also be the best thing.   I get excited to hear a believer has gone home.  

Many times over the RSD years I wished that I had cancer instead.    With cancer, it is diagnosed, treated and either you go into remission or not.  Maybe you die.  And if you have accepted Christ's sacrifice as payment for your own sin, you get to go to heaven.   I know that sounds simplistic but remember, I was in pain.  I was on Opioids.   That was part of my pity party.   I had it worse than cancer patients.   And in some ways, I did.  Pain of RSD is rated higher than cancer pain which most people hear is the worst pain.   With RSD, it's a Dx (diagnosis) of 24/7 pain for the rest of what can be a long life of pain.  Not many are blessed like me with healing.   I think the fact that I had thought Cancer would have been easier,  getting the big “C” diagnosis really wasn't as devastating as I feared before RSD.  It was stunning.  Scary.  And yet, God had shown me that he's in control of everything. EVERYTHING!  When I got the Dx he assured me that “he had this”.  I just knew that he allowed cancer in my life for a reason and that I could just rest in him.   And for the most part, I was able to do that.   I am human which means I still had my moments.  I really only had one night of fear.   And it was after my surgery.   It was about the side affects of radiation.   “Do not fear”.  God says this over three hundred times in the bible!!  I was able to put away my fear.  He also guided me to a second opinion Dr who also agrees this is what I need.  So we are moving ahead with treatment.  

He has also shown me I have reasons to stay here.  I want my granddaughter to remember me.  I'll be happy to live here as long as he allows.  
This year, I'm thankful for . . .
1. Cancer.  Yes.  I am thankful for cancer.  I have learned so much about who loves me and the many ways they've shown me.  
2. My husband and children who have all been supportive.  The love they've shown me was a balm to this heart of mine.
3. God’s incredible way of supplying our needs even before we know we have them.
a. I would have been so worried about my mom during my surgery and recovery.  But God, in his infinite wisdom, planned for my brother to be with my mom during this time.  Before I even had my Dx!
b. I'm also thankful once again that he brought us back to Philly where we could see our family during this time.
c. Cancelled appts.  I was able to get in to see the Oncologist the next day due to a cancelled appt.
d. God also in his wisdom asked us to allow a couple who were coming to Philly on a ministry trip to live in our home for a month.  They were as much or more of a blessing to us than we were to them.  The wife was an encouragement and a help  to me during the early stages of exhaustion,  tests, etc.  The husband did things around the house that we are still thankful for when we see them.
4. Phillipians 4:7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
We learned first hand what this is truly like thru nothing we did on our own power.   It had to come from the Holy Spirit.
5. Verses encouraging me not to fear.
6. My pastor’s wife who set up a meal rotation for us.  
7. Meals from family and friends.
8. Modern medicine.  My doctors.  Nurses.
9. Ultra sounds and cat scans to diagnose that which is hidden from view.
10. Surgery to rid my body of cancer.
11. Robotic surgery to make recovery easier.
12. No complications from surgery.
13. The surgery did not cause the RSD to come out of remission! That's a big PRAISE!!
14. Radiation to help prevent recurrence.
15. My ‘odds’ of getting this cancer again will be 2% after radiation.  
16. My odds of getting cancer again may be higher because I'll be alive long enough to get cancer again.
17. My God who will get me through the radiation and any side affects.
18. Knowing how much I am loved by family and friends
19. Pastors who care.
20. Supportive and loving church family.  
21. Cards.  Gifts.  Verses written out on home made cards and which are still hanging on my frig.
22. A wonderful neighborhood for walking a mile a day which I'm now supposed to be doing.
23. Easy access to good for us food in this country.
24. Many people were upset that I had to go through cancer after having RSD. I however am incredibly thankful that The Lord chose to heal me of the RSD BEFORE I had cancer and had to have surgery.  I can't imagine that pain.

But mostly I am thankful for my loving Heavenly Father who has once again sustained me through the past few months.   I pray that He is glorified through this season in my life.  That someone will turn to him because they saw how he has been my strength.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!