broken crayons

This really spoke to my heart, and reminded me that I am broken, yes.  BUT God can still use me!

I remember being horrified by a broken crayon!  Yes, when I was a child, I delighted in taking the paper off the crayons!  What is it with children and that overwhelming need to strip the crayon to nothingness?  BUT, don't let a crayon break or I'd be heartbroken!  

When I was 12, I realized I was a broken crayon!  Before then, I was innocent and thought I was still a fully papered and unbroken crayon.  Then, I overheard something that sent me spiraling into brokenness.  I heard someone I thought a lot of, call me a brat.  It was devastating!  That's because I didn't know until that moment that I wasn't a perfect brand new crayon straight out of the box!  

I spent the next few years with my head hanging down and hiding my brokenness from the world.  I really felt uncomfortable with anyone looking me straight in the eye because they might see my broken imperfect self and not like me.  

Then as a mom, I was always so on edge to be the perfect wife and mother, that I sadly, became quite the opposite!  I would get actually upset when my children would break a crayon (esp when done on purpose) or tear the paper off the crayon which was always done on purpose. That wasn't the only thing I was harsh with them about. I felt that I had to have perfect children or I wasn't going to be looked at as good enough.  Yikes, my poor children. 

I felt I had to be perfect for my husband to like me and love me.  This is something that now when I look back on it, I was definitely believing a horrible lie of Satan's.  I mean, he loved me enough to marry me, right?  That I wasn't good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, etc. etc. etc.  For my kids. For my husband. For my parents. And other family.  Those were all lies of Satan's.

I had such a low self esteem problem.  But I also was dealing with a few people in my life who either did find everything that was wrong with what I did, even if they liked what I did, they always felt the need to tell me what was wrong BEFORE or even totally instead of ever giving me any encouragement.  

I also had some people in my life who was never satisfied with what anyone did, wore, said, etc.  So, if they critiqued everyone else around me, then I must not have measured up either.  At least, that is what I thought.

I wallowed in a lack of self confidence for a long long time.  God has used some hard things and some great things in my life to bring me to the point where I really understand having Christ confidence rather than self confidence.  AND that it's what is on the inside, not on the outside that counts.  You see, God says "greater is he that is in me than he that is in the world" and that's because God has given me the Holy Spirit to live within me and is the same power that raised Jesus from the dead!  

So what if my paper is missing and I'm broken! I still have that power in me and can do all with God's strength!   I've also learned that I don't have to be perfect or measure up to anyone but God.  I need to do my best but not stress about perfect.  Perfect is nice but not really attainable and the more I wanted perfect, the more I saw it was not possible.  

I've also realized that all those people in my life who were expecting perfection in others' lives are also broken crayons hurting in some way themselves.

So now, when my granddaughter takes the paper off or breaks a crayon, I will remember, it's ok.  Its what is on the inside of the crayon that counts!  And remember that this dear sweet child doesn't need to be taught to have to be perfect.