Trouble

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

Sometimes as I’ve been editing this book, I feel like a different person than the one who did most of the writing. I have forgotten what it was like to live in that pain. And even though I have read this manuscript many times, I have been somewhat removed from that person. We do tend to forget pain when we are on the other side.

Like childbirth; I remember that it was awful, and yet, I can’t remember the intensity. I even had three babies which testifies to the fact that I forgot how bad I hurt to give birth.

 I have suffered quite a few instances of pain this year. Each one I thought, this has got to be one of the worst episodes of pain that I’ve ever had! I really can’t remember exactly how each of the previous felt, so I think the one I’m experiencing at the moment is the worst.

An attack of excruciating pain in January, ’20 led to gall bladder surgery. A Stingray attack in March was unbearable; however, short-lived.  In June, I had another attack like the one in January and a month of recovery. The attack in January was probably not my gall bladder!

And in July, Shingles broke out in my body. I am in my fifth week of this agony.  I am doing better but still in pain. God has allowed me once again to feel sometimes excruciating pain day in and day out. And, in some ways, it’s very similar pain to the RSD because it’s nerve pain. 

There have been times while editing my book that I give myself a hard time about how I didn’t just push through the pain and go on with life. However, this pain of shingles has reminded me of why I tried to limit the level of my RSD pain.

Pain like this is debilitating. I’m being reminded daily of what life was like before February 1, 2012. I also realize that as bad as this is, it is limited to my side. I still have my hands and legs pain-free so that I can do other things without causing pain.

I’m having to take pain medicine and am experiencing some of the same side effects that I had while I had RSD.  I am also reminded of how these side effects also limited our lifestyle. And yet, I was, and am willing to suffer the side effects to curb the pain.

I am reminded of the fear I had during the eighteen years of pain. Fear of not getting diagnosed. Fear of not getting the medicine that helped curb the pain. Fear of not finding a doctor who could treat the pain.

And yes. I’m struggling with fear now too. Fear that this could linger for months. Or years.

But this time, I’m striving to call on my Lord to help me cope. I’m taking my fear to Him instead of letting it fester. Daily.

There were tears the other day after two doctors told me that this other pain I was having was also the shingles.  I am so very tired of pain. But then I realized that I can be thankful that it's not something like cancer, or kidney trouble.  Thankfulness for something, anything in a situation can help your attitude shift which helps you deal with the hardship you are going through.  

Through this shingles season, I’m learning to give the RSD Karen a break; I can be so hard on her. But she has been helpful to me in knowing how to cope with pain this time. And I see that she really wasn’t just being a lazy sloth. She was in pain. Nerve pain.

She has also helped me know how to wean off the pain med I was on for a few weeks. (Why don’t doctors or pharmacies tell you how to do that when they prescribe a narcotic? They should give a prescription that weans you off just like steroids.)

It has taken eight years to get this book written and edited.  So much has happened in that time and I sense that much of it was oppression.  It seems so often that I have trouble in my life when I’m about to tell my story.  Satan does not seem to want me to tell my story. 

But, I can also see the hand of my Sovereign God in all of this.  Every time I’ve had something happen, He is there.  Which is a constant reminder that He was with me all eighteen years I suffered.

If you are suffering, know that He is with you too.  Always.  Even if you’ve never accepted Him as your Savior, He is there and waiting for you to call on Him.  Won’t you call out to Him?