Learning to trust God's Sovereignty

It kind of snuck up on me.  We have fallen headfirst into a new year.  New decade.  I hadn’t really given a thought to that. In the grand scheme of things and the way this last one has gone, thinking about it wasn’t on my radar. 

We are still grieving the loss of our precious granddaughter, so I hadn't been thinking about closing out a decade. 

 But then I read an Instagram post by someone who spoke about the things that have happened this past decade.  So.  I thought I’d think about mine.  Hmmm.  It’s been a bit full. 

 The Lord has been disciplining me.  Teaching me.  Breaking my leg and carrying me. 

 In the years 2010-19:

He revived my faith.  He revived my marriage.   He restored my health through a miraculous healing.    

He moved us back home to Philadelphia.

I revived my love for knitting and crocheting.

I was my mom’s aide.  I became an orphan.

I became a grandmother.  

I became a bereaved parent, daughter, daughter-in-law, and grandmother.  

I penned a memoir. 

I’ve had cancer.  Twice.  

My husband lost his job.  He had a frozen shoulder and was diagnosed a diabetic.

I’ve dislocated a finger and had whiplash.  Two separate incidents.

We had Fleas. Ants. Mice (These may have been when I most freaked out!)
Our immediate family collectively made 8 moves and lost 5 pets.

We've had 1 divorce, 2 marriages, 2 births, 4 deaths. 

I have learned to fully embrace the Sovereignty of God (which I will revisit again as it's one of the biggest lessons I learned. And His comfort. His good gifts and the hard times he allows.

I found this post that I wrote at the beginning of the year and didn't post!  Wow.  2010-2019 were incredibly full years.  And little did I know what just the beginning of this decade was going to bring into our life.

I have had 5 ER visits this year. Gall Bladder. Then a surgical complication. Sting Ray bite. Low Potassium. Shingles.

 I've spent most of this Covid19 pandemic suffering from other problems and pain. And have been one of the few not minding the quarantine aspect. 

 I started editing my book and will publish it soon

 During the editing/publishing of my book I’ve had so many instances of intense pain that have reminded me that it really was bad to be in pain for so long.  Because each of these times this year, I could barely breath through that time of intense pain.  Some have been short lived, durations of about an hour.  One has been over two months. I'm tired.  I'm tired of being in pain.  

I am reminded, I was in pain for 18 years.  No wonder it was so glorious to be released from the RSD pain in 2012!  God has sustained me through it all.

He has also brought great joy this year.  Traveling with friends. (pre-pandemic) Thanks Gabi and Mike! The news of another grandchild on the way.  

And the publishing of my book...His story of his work in my life! To Him be all praise and glory for helping me, guiding me, pushing me to get it published.  I pray that this book will find it's way into the hands of those who he wants to read the truth sprinkled throughout. 

Maybe my prayers for this next decade should be that maybe he'd let me ride free for a while? But that's not what life is about, is it?  It's about God perfecting us and making us more like Jesus and He does this through joy, trials, and pain.

In my humanness, I think, Oh Lord, could I have a break for a while?  

 And again, I didn't publish this post. It's been 2 months since I added to it.  And yes, God has given me a bit of a break from the pain.  I have enough there that I'm still doctoring. but for the most part I'm doing good.  Thank you, Jesus, for your respite care!  And for the grace and mercy you so freely give me.  May I turn and give it to others.  

 

 

Trouble

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

Sometimes as I’ve been editing this book, I feel like a different person than the one who did most of the writing. I have forgotten what it was like to live in that pain. And even though I have read this manuscript many times, I have been somewhat removed from that person. We do tend to forget pain when we are on the other side.

Like childbirth; I remember that it was awful, and yet, I can’t remember the intensity. I even had three babies which testifies to the fact that I forgot how bad I hurt to give birth.

 I have suffered quite a few instances of pain this year. Each one I thought, this has got to be one of the worst episodes of pain that I’ve ever had! I really can’t remember exactly how each of the previous felt, so I think the one I’m experiencing at the moment is the worst.

An attack of excruciating pain in January, ’20 led to gall bladder surgery. A Stingray attack in March was unbearable; however, short-lived.  In June, I had another attack like the one in January and a month of recovery. The attack in January was probably not my gall bladder!

And in July, Shingles broke out in my body. I am in my fifth week of this agony.  I am doing better but still in pain. God has allowed me once again to feel sometimes excruciating pain day in and day out. And, in some ways, it’s very similar pain to the RSD because it’s nerve pain. 

There have been times while editing my book that I give myself a hard time about how I didn’t just push through the pain and go on with life. However, this pain of shingles has reminded me of why I tried to limit the level of my RSD pain.

Pain like this is debilitating. I’m being reminded daily of what life was like before February 1, 2012. I also realize that as bad as this is, it is limited to my side. I still have my hands and legs pain-free so that I can do other things without causing pain.

I’m having to take pain medicine and am experiencing some of the same side effects that I had while I had RSD.  I am also reminded of how these side effects also limited our lifestyle. And yet, I was, and am willing to suffer the side effects to curb the pain.

I am reminded of the fear I had during the eighteen years of pain. Fear of not getting diagnosed. Fear of not getting the medicine that helped curb the pain. Fear of not finding a doctor who could treat the pain.

And yes. I’m struggling with fear now too. Fear that this could linger for months. Or years.

But this time, I’m striving to call on my Lord to help me cope. I’m taking my fear to Him instead of letting it fester. Daily.

There were tears the other day after two doctors told me that this other pain I was having was also the shingles.  I am so very tired of pain. But then I realized that I can be thankful that it's not something like cancer, or kidney trouble.  Thankfulness for something, anything in a situation can help your attitude shift which helps you deal with the hardship you are going through.  

Through this shingles season, I’m learning to give the RSD Karen a break; I can be so hard on her. But she has been helpful to me in knowing how to cope with pain this time. And I see that she really wasn’t just being a lazy sloth. She was in pain. Nerve pain.

She has also helped me know how to wean off the pain med I was on for a few weeks. (Why don’t doctors or pharmacies tell you how to do that when they prescribe a narcotic? They should give a prescription that weans you off just like steroids.)

It has taken eight years to get this book written and edited.  So much has happened in that time and I sense that much of it was oppression.  It seems so often that I have trouble in my life when I’m about to tell my story.  Satan does not seem to want me to tell my story. 

But, I can also see the hand of my Sovereign God in all of this.  Every time I’ve had something happen, He is there.  Which is a constant reminder that He was with me all eighteen years I suffered.

If you are suffering, know that He is with you too.  Always.  Even if you’ve never accepted Him as your Savior, He is there and waiting for you to call on Him.  Won’t you call out to Him?

 

Like Jonah

“From inside the fish Jonah prayed to the Lord his God. He said: “In my distress I called to the Lord, and he answered me. From deep in the realm of the dead I called for help, and you listened to my cry. You hurled me into the depths, into the very heart of the seas, and the currents swirled about me; all your waves and breakers swept over me. I said, ‘I have been banished from your sight; yet I will look again toward your holy temple.’ The engulfing waters threatened me, the deep surrounded me; seaweed was wrapped around my head. To the roots of the mountains I sank down; the earth beneath barred me in forever. But you, Lord my God, brought my life up from the pit. “When my life was ebbing away, I remembered you, Lord, and my prayer rose to you, to your holy temple. “Those who cling to worthless idols turn away from God’s love for them. But I, with shouts of grateful praise, will sacrifice to you. What I have vowed I will make good. I will say, ‘Salvation comes from the Lord.’ ” And the Lord commanded the fish, and it vomited Jonah onto dry land.”

Jonah 2:1-10 NIV

https://www.bible.com/111/jon.2.1-10.niv

When I read these verses from Jonah, I thought of my dark days of depression.  His words so express some of what I felt.  

Obviously, I was not inside a fish.  But I was inside a dark place in my mind of my own doing. Just like Jonah disobeyed and God (the the sailors) threw Jonah into the depths of the sea, I begged God to get me off the “merry go round of life” that I found myself running on. 

Just as Jonah was hurled into the depths, I was hurled flat on my back onto the couch. I spent a lot more days in my depths than Jonah did, but they were not nearly as fearsome as being in the belly of a whale. But they were not pleasant by any means.

We don’t often think of our sin getting us into the predicaments of life.  But sometimes they are directly related.   I was prideful. I guess in a way, that was Jonah’s problem also. He thought he knew better than the Lord who was worthy of God’s grace.

It took many years of pain, suffering and loss for me to cry out to the Lord. But I did.

Jonah said, “When my life was ebbing away, I remembered you, Lord, and my prayer rose to you, to your holy temple”.

Notice that Jonah was in two pits. One was his physical pit, in the belly of the whale.  One was his spiritual pit, where he wallowed in selfishness and pride.

Jonah cried out to God in that pit, and God rescued him first from his spiritual pit.

When life had gotten tough, I remembered the Lord. My prayer rose to the Lord. He heard me and delivered me from my first pit of spiritual darkness.

He rescued me. He brought me to a place of praise and thanksgiving while I was still in my second pit, which was RSD.

Jonah declared: “But I, with shouts of grateful praise, will sacrifice to you. What I have vowed I will make good. I will say, ‘Salvation comes from the Lord.”

And God then caused the fish to vomit Jonah onto dry land.

And I declared God’s glory, praising Him for healing me spiritually. And then, almost as suddenly as a vomit, God healed me.

Stalked

1 Peter 5:8  (NIV)

⁸ Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

It seems to me that I (we) are getting more than my fair share of problems.  This morning in church, when I was talking to someone about my latest escapade that included beautiful turquoise Caribbean water, snorkeling gear, my best friend/husband, a stingray and pain.  Lots and lots of pain.  Then many hours spent at the mercy of a Mexican privately owned mini-hospital. 

Why Karen?  Out of all the people who had been in and out of that very stretch of sand (not a ton of people but everyone in our private little bit of heaven), and I was the one to get bit.  To me, it didn’t seem that unusual cause I’m always having something happen! 

Since 2012, when God healed me,  I have had a string of what some would call “bad luck.” 

Two cases of cancer, skin, and uterus.  Husband diagnosed with Diabetes.  Husband losing his job. Dislocated finger. Whiplash. Flea infestation. Ant infestation.  Mice infestation. Caregiving for mom with many trips to the hospital. Father in law died.  Major problems with a son who then also died. Mother died. Granddaughter was incompatible with life and also died.

And through it all, I held tight to my faith.  And strive to remember what God had done in my life back in 2012.  All the while, I was writing a book and desiring to tell my story to any group who would listen. 

As we were preparing for a memorial service for our granddaughter, God impressed upon me the need to get my book done.  That .with all these things I had happening, I still need to steward “my story” well.   It seems that there have been many things in the past eight years trying to keep me from getting this book published and getting out there to tell my story.

I started this year, ready and raring to make progress on book and speaking engagements. 

I quickly signed up for three speaking engagements to share my story.  And it wasn’t until this morning when I was talking about the latest ‘suffering’ in my life that someone reminded me that Satan is on the attack. 

When God is at work, Satan attacks. 

Ah, yes.  I knew when it happened that God had allowed me to step on and get stung by a Stingray.  He allowed me to be in such pain for a reason.  Is He is still disciplining me? Growing me? Or allowing Satan to attack me to help me stand in my weakness/God’s strength and tell my story.

I was reminded that when I am about to tell my story discouraging things happen.  All these things that have happened since my healing seem to make sense.  Satan tries to use them for evil. But God!  He uses them to strengthen me and continue to grow me in the ability to lean on His strength. 

Take last month, for instance.  I had a gall bladder attack/surgery the week before I was to travel to tell my story to two groups of women.  And yes, I had to reschedule.

Now, the week before I’m to speak again, I got stung by a stingray.  Sheesh! 

Maybe I should just give up and throw in the towel and say. I can’t do this.  It’s too hard!  Why me?  God, I’m tired of the attacks!  I’m not going to obey anymore and do your will.  If I’m not telling my story, maybe Satan will leave me alone!  Cause, what is going to be next?

But God.  You see, any time Satan tries to attack me, I dig in my heels and say, oh no, you don’t!  I’m not going to let you win! 

Giving in to despair, questioning God, anger at God, doubting God all do just what Satan wants.  He wants me to do get mired down in the woe is me attitude, keeping me from being able to do the most important thing I can be doing.

I need to Glorify God with my life.   And I have learned to love to glorify God!  In all things. 

Sometimes it’s with great joy as in my healing.

Sometimes it's with tears running down my face while lifted in worship as in the days, months after our losses.

Sometimes it's with the determination not to let Satan win the battle.  As in right now as I prepare to share my story, which is God’s Story of working in my life. 

I will not give in to my adversary who is stalking me like a lion.

God did a great thing in my life, not for my sake but for His Glory! And I can not let these other events sidetrack my ‘job’ as His ambassador.

I’m still human, and honestly, the things that most send me into a tizzy?  The infestations!  Oh, man, I didn’t handle them well.  Oh, the anxiety and frustration!

And my sulking on the plane home yesterday when our seating didn’t work out the way I had hoped.  Lord, help me not give Satan the pleasure of setting me off balance in these little things.  Help me praise you even in those times. 

I ask you; please pray for me this week.  Ask for God’s hedge of protection around me as I prepare to share my story with a wonderful group of women.  Ask for me to stand in His strength, not mine this week.  I need to call in my Christ-confidence this week, not my self-confidence.  Cause to tell the truth, I have little to no self-confidence.

But God.  I am a beloved, beautiful creation of His, and He will give me strength.

Eight Years

This past weekend was the 8th  anniversary of the day I heard God’s still small voice telling me that he was going to heal me.   The day after, the day I had confirmation and felt for sure, God was working in my life.

I should have been celebrating,  but that Incredible anniversary walks hand in hand with our son’s birthday.   It was always the day before Graham’s birthday.   However, now that Graham is gone, these two days seem to bring memories of the best, most exciting thing to happen in my life and, arguably, the worst, although the loss of our granddaughter ranks up there pretty high.

But God…both of these dates were eclipsed by a roadblock that sent me on a different route.  I had been so excited that I had finally set an appointment to share my story of healing with some special ladies in Rhode Island.

But God… I’ll tell you that phrase has become my theme song.  A dear one at our church even made me a necklace because I held onto that truth through some challenging parenting days in our life almost two years ago.  I penned a ‘meme’ of my own back then.

But God…
He knows.  He cares.   He comforts. He’s in control.  And I’m safely tucked under his wings.  Regardless.

And once again.  But God…
I was planning on going to RI.  Had it all planned.  And yet.  As much as I thought this was God’s will, that he had worked out all the details to be just right.  Even the weather looked like it was going to co-operate. The ladies I was going to speak to are studying Joseph’s suffering.  So, I thought, how cool is this?  That God has it planned just so my story of pain was coming at the very time these ladies are studying Joseph.

Anyway.  But God…maybe as Joseph says to his brothers,  You meant it for evil, but God meant it for good.  Just maybe Satan, our adversary, sabotaged my trip But I will trust that my great God who has worked out so many things in my life for my good and His Glory will work this out for good also.

You see.  A week ago today, I had ‘urgent’ surgery.  I wasn’t whisked right into surgery, but the surgeon did schedule it two days later. I’m anxious to get back on my feet and feeling good.  I even went on two little walks.  Then I ended up back in the ER. I’m ok for now.

I desire to be the one who jumps up within a few days of surgery, feeling fine.  Be the tough, strong one who bounced back quickly, not to have a complication and a longer recovery.  And feel bad enough that I don’t even want to think about what is next.

I do feel the turning.  That turn from being ok with having limited sitting and standing time, enjoying laying around.   I have the urge mentally to get on with things, to write, to start cutting out that sewing project I’ve been planning!

And I will feel better.  I will handle this short roadblock and watch for when God uses it for His Glory. After all, I know what it’s like to have been touched miraculously by the hand of God.

But, for now.  I think it’s nap time.

Ruby Jean

“give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”

1 Thessalonians 5:18 NIV

We have had loss after loss this year.  First, our dearly loved middle child Graham had a car crash of which he did not survive.  God showed us how to give thanks IN this situation.  Yes, we could actually feel and be thankful IN that situation.  And, a month later, when my mom passed away a month before her 98th birthday, I could be grateful that her journey had ended.  I was thankful IN that situation.

This verse is so hard to take at some times when we are faced with hard things in life.  But, God had shown me once again that yes, even as I found thankfulness IN the pain disease I had for 18 years, I could discover thankfulness in these losses.

Thankfulness doesn’t have to be felt for us to give thanks.  This verse is not saying that we have to be thankful FOR what we are going through.   God has been teaching me this truth this year.

July 31st, I got off the plane in Ft Wayne, Indiana, all excited to see my daughter, her husband, and their new house.  They had bought that house to bring their precious little baby home to live in a few months.  And hopefully, to see her baby bump become apparent to all.  They were expecting their first child in Nov 2019.  When I got out of the airport, Ashley got out of the car, and it wasn’t, but moments after our hug that I realized that something was very wrong.  I had wondered that morning as I traveled, that she hadn’t been in contact like normal.  And I had known she was having a repeat ultrasound but had assumed that they were just going to say, oh, Baby is just a bit small.

My dear daughter, concerned for her still grieving mama and distraught herself, hopped in the back seat with me to share their devastating news with me.  I can’t remember all she said, but I got the gist of it.  Their baby had a fatal diagnosis.  Baby was not expected to survive birth.

Noooooo!  Oh, God!  Nooooo!  How can this be possible!!  I just wanted to crumble into the pain of hearing our daughter's very tragic, very awful news! 

I was stunned.  NOOOoooooooo was the cry of my heart.  No Jesus! This can NOT be happening. I had just started to feel as if I was coming up for air after losing my precious son.  How can I be asked to give up my grandbaby too!  My daughter to give up a baby after losing her brother, her cohort in all things family.

I do remember feeling crushed that night as I talked to my husband on the phone.  We were separated by so many miles during those early days of this new grief.  It was challenging, but I didn’t want to be anywhere but with our daughter.    I was thankful that my Heavenly Father had already planned my trip there.

 For three months, four days, I grieved this new little life we were not going to be able to cuddle and coo over, change diapers, feed bottles, cheerios, and yes, even green peas.   I think that the fact that it hadn't been a year yet since WE had lost a child just made it a bit harder to take.  Not that I wouldn't have been grieving the same for this little one, but the fact is that grief is incredibly draining.  Some days, it's all I can do to get up and get going. Some days, it's just a cloud overhead, and I can move through the things I have to do.  Notice, I said I have to do.  I'm not doing much that I don't have to do yet.  Adding grief over this baby, our daughter, and her husband on top of the other grief, was a bit much for this mom, daughter, gramma. 

I remember saying to someone, “there is just nothing GOOD about losing a baby”.   I was thinking of the verse, and my husband’s family motto...when things got tough, their mother would ask, is the plaque still on the wall?  They had a plaque that reminded them of the verse  “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him," Romans 8:28a NIV 

In my feebleness, I was not willing to accept or look for the good God could bring about in this situation.

I don't think I was angry.  Yes, I was.  At this degraded world, we live in and the sin that has so scarred us.  I was not precisely mad at God.  I knew he could change this outcome with just a thought.  I knew even Jesus was praying for us as we were going through yet another tragedy in our life.  I knew that God counts my tears precious enough to collect them in a bottle!  I must have a huge bottle! I knew even as I fought the idea that he could and would bring about good IN this situation too.  I didn't want to see that or accept it.

I wanted to jump up and down, stamping my feet, run up the stairs, and slam my bedroom door.  I told people that my little heart feet were stamping.  I was emphatic that nothing possibly could be reasonable about what he was asking of us this time.  NOTHING! 

I was angry that we were going through yet another time where we are the ones needing so much prayer and love from His faithful.

I was devastated.  Mostly for our daughter and her husband, but yes, because this would again be painful for us.  But also for this sweet precious baby.  I prayed that she would not suffer pain.  That God would take her before her scheduled Csection if she were going to suffer any pain.

I was incredulous.  This was just too surreal to take in.  That my loving God who had healed me from RSD,  who told me "I've got this" when I was diagnosed with cancer, who sheltered me under his wings when I was so very anxious a year ago, who comforted me, encouraged me, prayed for me, and loved me through the loss of our son and mom.  Who was walking beside me through the selling of my childhood home,  the loss of a beloved pastor and his wife, and imminent move of our wonderfully supportive friends thought it was ok to subject us to this loss so soon after the other losses. 

I was emphatic that nothing possibly could be good about what he was asking of us this time.  NOTHING! 

I also have learned that even in these awful times designed by the evil one to destroy us, that God WILL redeem the situation somehow! I didn’t know how He was going to do that. 

But God. ..

I prayed that God would allow them to meet her alive if it is His will and her best.  He gifted them with 34 minutes with their precious gem, Ruby. 

I prayed for our daughter that she would not have complications from the c-section.  She did not have any and has healed well.

I prayed that we could be strong for our children as they went through this loss. They had been married for a little over 3 years and had already lost his grandmother, her grandfather, her brother, her grandmother.  And now, God was asking them to love this wee baby for a short time here and the long haul as they await their turn to go home to this sweet baby.  I trust that we were strong for them and helpful too.

I prayed for no pain for Ruby.  She lived quietly, peacefully for 34 minutes with no sign of struggle or pain.

I prayed for Ashley and Nate as they said hello and goodbye to their precious sweet girl that they would not be overwhelmed by the conflicting emotions of joy over their precious one and grief over their precious one.  Having known both of those feelings, I couldn't imagine feeling them simultaneously.  God answered this in giving them both peace as Ruby slipped away from them and giving them time to be in awe of being Ruby's parents. 

I prayed for us as we didn't know what we were going to be experiencing within that hospital room.  I can't describe the feeling.  But, we stood there in awe of this wee one who was their special gift from the Lord.  This baby was perfect in her imperfection, in her death.  Ouch, I still don't like that word. 

We have much to be thankful for and to praise God for his redeeming nature. How he did indeed bring good about in even this most trying of circumstances. 

We give thanks not FOR our precious Ruby’s fatal diagnosis but IN the midst of it.  We can give thanks that God chose these two as Ruby's parents.  God is in control of life.  He has a reason for allowing this to happen.  Could it be that He had this sweet soul, he knew from the beginning of time to only have 9 months on earth, 34 min of breathing? God looked around and thought, who should I bless with being her parents?  He saw Nate and Ashley and all they had been through in their short marriage and said, yes.  They will steward her life and story well.  He blessed them with Ruby.  She is precious in the sight of God and in our eyes as well. 

And the good God can bring from something like this?  The strengthened interpersonal relationships.  The strengthening of the faithful.  We, as believers, are meant to bear fruit.  The fruit of the spirit.  Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, kindness, and self-control.  We saw much fruit being shown by his faithful. 

The times of the faithful coming together in prayer over this precious one was moving and encouraging. And always a good thing. "Where two or three are gathered in my name," says the Lord, "I am in the midst of them." It is always a good thing to be where God is in the midst of us! 

That God is glorified is a good thing!  And he is being glorified through this little life.   

And, the blessing of Ruby herself was a good thing. 

God knew all along that Ruby had only a short time here on earth.  He knew she would make an impact on all whose lives have been touched by her story.  It is our decision whether or not we will accept his Sovereignty or if we will continue to kick and scream about what we don't like that he's allowed in our lives.  I choose to accept his sovereignty. 

However, we will continue to grieve because death was not in God's original plan.  But God.   I hope that someday maybe he will let us see more good he's doing IN our continued grief. 

His Eye Is On The Sparrow

I have always loved birds.  I guess it might have something to do with the fact that my mother had a parakeet when I was just a toddler.  The story is that Petey would sit on top of the cabinet where mom was working and say, "baby cry, baby cry".  I've never thought of this, but when I was born, there was a 21/2 yr old in the house.  I have a feeling that he must've said, 'baby cry, baby cry' a lot for that bird to have learned that phrase.

Then, when I was 12, my parents gifted me my own parakeet.  We called him Petey!  Yes, I was really original, wasn't I?  I enjoyed having him around.  He didn't talk much but he did interact with us.  He would land on our head and then slide down our bangs to hang upside down into our faces.  I remember him walking around on our dog's back too and Blackie would just ignore his presence.

Fast forward again many years.   My friend was having a second baby and she asked or I offered to babysit her parakeet.  His name was Rupert and he never went back to their house.   Oh, how I enjoyed Rupert!  He was such a character. But, I don't remember if he spoke or not.  When I would be ready to make dinner, I could say, Rupert, go to bed and he'd fly back into his cage.  Later, we would cover his cage and he'd be quiet all evening while we watched tv.

We got a kitten when we had Rupert and they played with each other on the floor.  Too bad it was before videos on phones!

He would land on my shoulder if I was at the sink, work his way down to my hand and take a bath in the stream of water I would start for him.   He loved baths!

He also got himself into some not so fun for him situations.  I walked into our kitchen one day.  Here he was upside down in a goblet of water! I had a flower sitting in that goblet.  I guess he wanted a drink or a bath and slipped into the goblet!

One day I came home and found out that he had gotten himself into trouble with my husband and daughter!

Darryl was painting the family room.  Rupert landed in the can of blue paint!   Oh, I wish I had a video of that ruckus!  They got him out of the can somehow, and he tried to fly but hit the floor every foot or so.  I guess they gave him a bath, but he kept some marks of blue for quite a while.

There have been other birds too but enough of memory lane just to prove I like birds.  I do!  Very much! I wish I had thought of them back then as a symbol of the refuge we have in God.  I sure do think of them that way now.

These past 6 months have brought many difficult times in our family.  I know we are not the only ones who have struggled.  But I do know that God has helped me get through the day to day.

All through these months, I have been going through a Bible study called Thirty Day Walk with God in the Psalms.  As its name suggests, it is a 30-day study.  However, I have been going through one of those days a week, or so.  And oh how God has blessed this time in his word..  And continually, I've read and been encouraged by all the verses in Psalms that talk about taking refuge in the shadow of his wings, or that he's covering me with his wings. Etc.

I wrote a blog post about feeling like I was safely sheltered under His Wings while the storm raged around me!   I googled images of birds sheltered under a parent's wings.  And when the storm got too much for me, I took a deep breath, envisioned a picture of a chick under its parent's wings and allowed myself to feel God's comfort.  It truly helped me cope.

As I went through my days leading up to one particular week in August, I was working on memorizing Psalm 36:7-9:

How priceless is your unfailing love, O God! 

People take refuge in the shadow of your wings.

They feast on the abundance of your house; 

you give them drink from your river of delights.

For with you is the fountain of life;

in your light we see light. 

During that August week in 2018, I had a difficult trip to take. I was going to leave on Sunday and Saturday night we went to our monthly BoardGame Night.  I was not so nice to my fellow game group members as I was not a very good sport.   I'm ashamed of how I acted.  When we got home, I told Darryl that I realized that my trip over the next two days had me more emotional than I had realized before that night.   He held me and prayed for me.  I wish I could say that I got the emotions under control before I left but I didn't.  However, I was working on them and knew I would find refuge in the shadow of God's wings.  By the time I got to my destination, I was feeling more comfortable.

On my drive, I listened to a podcast that reminded me of the verses in Romans 8: 1;2

 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. 

Then I arrived at my destination in time to worship with a church whose Pastor had reached out to our situation and gave us hope.   During the course of that service, again, these verses were read.

They resonated through my spirit over the next few days.   This pastor and a woman in their church both had offered me housing when I came to their area.   But, the timing of my trip just so happened to be at a time when neither of them could have me visit them.  

I put out a plea to a family member who had once lived in that area.  She contacted her friends once again (it was through her friend we had found the pastor).   The first person she asked already had guests.  But the next two women who were asked said yes.  However, one, of course, responded first and I stayed with her and her husband in their delightful home along a river.   I just knew with the way things were going, that God had a reason for my staying at this particular home. I don't believe in coincidences.  

I'm sure any of the women who were asked would have been gracious and loving.  As was my hostess and her husband.   I just walked into this home and felt loved and cared for as they knew why I was there.  (which is someone else's story).  

When I went to bed that night I took in the decorations of their guest bathroom.  Birds.  Everywhere.  Very subtly there so that it took me a bit to realize that there were tiny birds in a tasteful way decorating that room.  And then, I noticed on the wall one of those written word graphics "His Eye Is On The Sparrow"!  Under it was a wall hanging with trees and birds perched on them.   I was so comforted at that moment, knowing that God had his eye on me and on the other person involved.  

The next morning when I pulled up my destination on GPS, I realized that one of the main roads in the neighborhood I stayed in was Sparrow!   Actually, I even saw an intersection of Sparrow and Sparrow!  

I was able to get through two very tough days trusting that I had found refuge under the shadow of His Wings.   

I ended up staying an extra two nights in that town.  The first one was in a hotel.  We had a very trying day after very little sleep in that hotel room.  I can't describe that awful/wonderful day but suffice it to say, I was exhausted by the time I was free to leave to come home.  It was around 6 pm, stormy and in my exhausted state, I knew I could not go home.  So I called this sweet woman once again and she said, of course, I could come back and stay that night.  God provided me with such sweet fellowship.  We are one in the spirit, for sure!  That is the beauty of the body of Christ!  We are sisters/brothers in Christ with those who also call him Lord.  So, I went back to their lovely home after the most trying of days to be once again nestled in a place that reminded me of God's beloved watch-care over me!  

I was there to be support for someone very close to me and I was able to share Roman's 8:1; 2 with him.  

We both felt God's hand on the situation.   He was more merciful than we could ever have dreamt of asking him to be.  

I went back again 2 weeks later.  I was under the impression that my wonderful hostess was on vacation so again I reached out to the first woman who had offered to house me.   I wanted to meet her, my sister in law's friend and this would be my opportunity.  Again, I landed in a very welcoming, comfortable home.   

I shared with my host and hostess my story of the birds at the first house.  Then, I retired for the night and while on the phone with my husband, I noticed that there were carved and porcelain birds sitting around the room!  Once again, our great God was reminding me of his love for me, just a little sparrow he's keeping his eye on.  

I came home only to be reminded by the birds I have around my house, inside and out, that He has his eye on the sparrow, and I know he has his eye on me too!