Overwhelmed with Emotion

This has been quite a week for people I love.  I'm so overcome with emotion that I feel almost strangled by my emotions.

There have been joyous announcements of new babies being born and birthdays such as our son who is now 35.  I can't believe I've been a mom that long.  

And then, there is the anguish I see going on all around me.  Not only have we seen what's going on in France and all the hurt and fear there but my cousin passed away Monday.  That same day, our daughter's twin friends lost their grandmother.  And now, the hardest one to process is the passing away of a young girl.  This is a child of one of "my" girls.  That's what I called the girls to whom I was 'youth sponsor' for back in the 80s and early 90s.

Sometimes I worry that I am not able to feel, let alone show, empathy, or sympathy or any emotion at the hurts and struggles of others.

But this one has hit me hard and there lies the reason for my turmoil today.   I have not seen Shannon since she was a teenager.  She has since gotten married, had beautiful children and lived in London.  A lot of life lived since I've seen her.  But when I heard that her children were diagnosed with this awful disease, Sanfillipo dusease, a genetic disease that is a death sentence for the children, I started following her blog.  How does one live with something like this?  With fear and anger and determination to provide the best for her children.  With faith. And with grace is how Shannon has and is living through this awfulness.  And because of that, I've followed her journey.  I haven't met this sweet child of hers or her son, but, through their story, I've found I do have the capacity for hurting for someone else.

My soul has been crying out in "groans that words cannot express" for this family.  There's her parents, her brother, aunt and uncles and grandparents all feeling this awful loss of a life that was very hard. (and yes, even the family dog is hurting)  and I hurt for them.  As a grandmother myself, I can not imagine the pain of not only losing my grand-daughter but, the hurt I would feel for my child also.  That's what we as moms do.  We hurt when our children hurt.  And so, we hurt for them and for us.

But, I believe that Waverly is with the Lord now.  And her life has just gotten so much better! She would not want to come back here for anything!  She is not missing anyone here in this place we call home for a short while.  She is not missing her wheelchair.  She only has eyes for the Savior.  If only we lived this life with eyes only for the Savior, we wouldn't have all the fear, anger, pain, sorrow, heartache, etc that we have here.  But until we are in his presence, we can not quite carry that off.  We will, though, one day when we finally are called home!!! And oh, how I long for that day!

 I can see things from her side because I once longed to go home.  God has called Waverly home!  She is free from the shackles of this life! She is free from pain, free to walk and talk and dance and praise her heavenly Father.  Her life has been touched by the love of a wonderful earthly father who has been by his daughter's side through all her struggles.  She was taught well what the love of a father is and now she is in the arms of her heavenly Father who is infinitely more praiseworthy than we can think of or dream!  

I have been feeling lately that we ought as believers to be joyous when someone,gets to go home.  I do not believe in saying, oh that's such a shame.  I see it as a wonderful thing for them.  I found I do feel pain for others, because I am hurting for those who have lost loved ones. God has asked a huge sacrifice of the life the McNeils had planned.  And oh I can not imagine the pain they are feeling right now!   They will never stop loving or missing Waverly.  And the worst part is that they will have to go through this all over again.  With their precious son.  And so, while feeling a sense of joy that this child's struggle is over my heart is breaking for her parents.  Her grandparents.  Her brother.

With all the death going on in this world my dear Christian brothers and sisters, we need not grieve for the departed, we grieve for their loved ones and our loss of someone so precious to us. I need not pray for Waverly anymore, she's home with the savior, I pray for her loved ones.   I need not pray for cousin Jim but I pray for his loved ones.  I need not pray for the twin's Nonni, but I pray for the family.  I do not pray for those Christians who are losing their life around the world but I pray for their loved ones. 

I pray God's loving arms encircle and carry them through the days ahead.  I pray that the Lord would envelope them with the "peace that passes all understanding" to carry them through this time.  And Lord, I pray that you would be with Shannon and Matt esp as they go on without their dear child and as they continue to love and care for their beloved son.  I pray for Oliver as he probably doesn't understand what's happening in his life.  I pray that your desire is to give the McNeils as much time as possible with Oliver.  

As someone who has begged, literally, begged God to take me home, and then experienced his miraculous healing I have a new outlook on life.  At the point of my healing I felt such a closeness to the Father that I felt almost singed by his touch.  I long for that again when I get Home. Some day. As a child of the Creator God through my faith in his son and his work on the cross, I know that if I am not here on this earth any longer, I will be in my Father's arms in heaven.  That's his promise.  But for now He wants me to stay here on this earth and I'm enjoying the life he's given me.  I am enjoying being a mother and grandmother.  I am so very thankful to be well enough to help my mom when she needs me.  

I am not afraid of what the evil one has planned in this world, his world, because I know that when I leave this earthly body, I will be in glory!  I need not be afraid but diligent to do the father's work which is why he said no when I begged.  And what I need to be about.  And, I think that His greatest will for me is to love, yes love even those who want to do us harm.  

Lord, I pray that you would use the turmoil in this world to grant to others repentance that they too may one day Dance with You in heaven!   

But for now, I am still grieving for this young family.  While I rejoice with Waverly for her freedom.


Hosea 6:1 Come, let us return to the Lord for he is good.

Acts 2:38 

Peter replied, “Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.

John 3:16(NIV) 16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

Ephesians 2:8,9 (NIV) 8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—9 not by works, so that no one can boast.

Spiritual Warfare

Ephesians 6:12 

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

This has been an interesting week.   And after today, I'm feeling as if it has been a struggle against the spiritual forces of evil!  

I have been feeling as if the Lord is leading me to write a book about the RSD, his healing me and then my cancer.  Next week is the week I set aside to be away from home and to concentrate on writing.  

And then...this week happened.

1st, I found out that the cabin I'm staying at is not accessible in my car (daughter couldn't get in there last weekend in that car), because there's 1 1/2 ft of snow on the mountain!  And with the rain and warmer temp melting the snow, the road is going to degrade even more.

2nd, When DD arrived at the cabin, she found a leak in the kitchen.  This was kept at a minimum by keeping the water OFF and turning it ON for each and every use!  Fun, eh?  Cabin owner/ brother is working on that detail! 

3rd, My friends are coming in a vehicle that should make it up the mountain and will meet me and take me with them.  SO, getting there will be no problem!  YAY!  But then, someone pointed out, how can I stay after my friend leaves if my car is at the entrance to the neighborhood? They said, you'll have to leave with your friend!  Oh, NO! What to do!?   (I still haven't figured out that problem).   

4th, On her trip home, DD noticed a shimmy in the car at high speeds.  So, here I am, planning to take that car to a cabin which I can't access in that car and a leak at the cabin.   The thoughts are swirling about whether or not I should cancel but I really need to do this.  See my friends for one, and get writing for another.  

5th, On top of all that, I've purposely made a busy week for myself because if I'm not busy, I just can't seem to get myself moving to do anything.  And, I've been feeling so very groggy this week.  So much so that I am seeing double.  This isn't a new symptom but much worse this week than before.   I decided yesterday that maybe I'm depressed and I need to pursue this idea.    

6th, I found out that the car needs new tires and shouldn't really be driven like this and that they cant get tires till friday!  That is AFTER I need to leave!  

7th,  I was quite busy then, making lunch for a friend who was coming over, while figuring out how to get to my babysitting gig tonight.   

HOWEVER!!!  I had decided to ask several people to pray for me this morning since I was feeling that I might be depressed.   They all agreed to pray for me.   As I look back over my day I realize that after I asked for prayer several things happened...

1.  One of my praying friends offered their car so I could get to my babysitting job.  I didn't end up needing it but the offer was a blessing I wouldn't have had without asking for prayer which led to them knowing of my need for a car.
And then they offered to bring me dinner tomorrow night before small group since hubby is going to be on his way home from a business trip! 

2.   One of my praying friends invited me to lunch tomorrow.

3.  One praying friend called and encouraged me that maybe this is more a stress related symptom because of my impending writing.  Or, maybe I'm still not fully recovered from the surgery and radiation.  While we talked, I was able to share with her what happened at lunch and we were BOTH encouraged by that.

4.  I talked to my pastor who was also dad of my babysitting gig tonight.  We rescheduled ( a blessing in more ways than one) and he prayed for me.  Encouraged me.  

5.  We realized that since I can't get our larger car to the cabin, there's no reason I can't take our smaller car! It can just as easily sit out by the entrance! AND, I'll not be tempted to try to get the car up to the cabin if I have the little one with me! 

6.   I noticed that the grogginess had left soon after I asked for prayer!  And I was able to deal with all the other goings on without freaking out which is more my norm! I did need a rest this afternoon, but that I think was a much needed rest not laziness or depression! 

7.  To top it all off, God used my Hindu friend to encourage me that writing this book is important!  She loved hearing about my healing (last summer) and then was interested in hearing about what went on with my bout with cancer.   She said she told her children about me hearing from the Lord that he was going to heal me and my subsequent healing.  She said she wanted them to hear bout someone seeing their "higher power" work in their life, because there are so many people turning their backs on their higher power.    We may have different higher powers but our faith is very important to both of us.   We also talked about my writing this book.  She said that I needed to write this because my story gives people HOPE!  

And that is what I needed to hear today!  She didn't stop there, she also sent me flowers for having her for lunch!  She has no idea the blessing/encouragement she was to me today!  

7.  I'm also not freaking out about figuring out how to get back out of the mountain if I stay when my friends leave.  

Oh I've come up with some doozy ideas of how to get out.  Including backpacking my stuff back and forth (you wouldn't want to do that either if you saw the hill up to the cabin about 2 miles into the neighborhood!) Or maybe this will work...I could get a sled to sled my stuff out!  Or, maybe I could rent a snowmobile!  Or an SUV.  OR,  well, you get the idea! I'm still looking for a way to stay!  Or, maybe I need to find another place to write.  I have some other more practical ideas and if the Lord wills, I will find a way to stay or another place to work.    

But all in all, I think that "the powers of this dark world and the spiritual forces of evil were silenced through the prayers of my friends.   At least for today.   I've accomplished so much (more than I've even mentioned) in this day which started out with me feeling depressed and unable to motivate myself to get things done.  

I serve a great and wonderful God who cares about even these little details!  

P.S.  I would covet any and all prayers

a.  to hedge me in with God's protection against those forces of evil while I write my book. 

b.  that I will lean on Him for the words I need to convey the truths that will bring Glory to my God.  Which in the end is the reason I feel led to write!  To God be the Glory!  

c. Oh, and pray that the leak can be fixed easily (soon) and without great cost to my bro, the owner of the cabin.  

d. oh, and maybe you could throw in a prayer that I find a way to stay at the cabin!  

Thankfulness for the big "C" diagnosis.

Happy Thanksgiving!   Every year we think about for what we are thankful.  God, salvation, family, friends, a home, food, adventure.   Some years we just simply believe we've had too much happen to be thankful.   And these are the easy things to say.  We don't have to think about them.  Everyone is thankful for them.

And sometimes things happen and we need to look at them maybe a bit differently.   Find ways to be thankful even in the hard times.  I have not always been able to do that.  I have a tendency towards feeling sorry for myself.  I've been known to hold a fantastic pity party!  

This year however,   I have learned to be thankful even after that dreaded big C diagnosis!!!   I used to worry about being sick, cancer, dying.   Then came the RSD and I didn't have to worry about getting sick anymore.  I was sick.   I also became very sick emotionally.  Spiritually.   Then God called me to repentance and suffused my life with himself.  Then he healed me from the RSD.  

During the years of RSD I yearned to go “Home”.   I begged for it.  I longed for it.  I prayed many times for it.   And then while The Lord was calling me back to himself  I was reminded of how wonderful heaven is and now I long to be with The Lord.  But.  When he says it's time to come home.   My desire during those years to go home and then my revival bringing me to a desire to be with the Lord above all else has left me with an interesting view on death and dying.  I am no longer afraid of dying.  As I've been know to say Dying might be the worst thing to happen but it will also be the best thing.   I get excited to hear a believer has gone home.  

Many times over the RSD years I wished that I had cancer instead.    With cancer, it is diagnosed, treated and either you go into remission or not.  Maybe you die.  And if you have accepted Christ's sacrifice as payment for your own sin, you get to go to heaven.   I know that sounds simplistic but remember, I was in pain.  I was on Opioids.   That was part of my pity party.   I had it worse than cancer patients.   And in some ways, I did.  Pain of RSD is rated higher than cancer pain which most people hear is the worst pain.   With RSD, it's a Dx (diagnosis) of 24/7 pain for the rest of what can be a long life of pain.  Not many are blessed like me with healing.   I think the fact that I had thought Cancer would have been easier,  getting the big “C” diagnosis really wasn't as devastating as I feared before RSD.  It was stunning.  Scary.  And yet, God had shown me that he's in control of everything. EVERYTHING!  When I got the Dx he assured me that “he had this”.  I just knew that he allowed cancer in my life for a reason and that I could just rest in him.   And for the most part, I was able to do that.   I am human which means I still had my moments.  I really only had one night of fear.   And it was after my surgery.   It was about the side affects of radiation.   “Do not fear”.  God says this over three hundred times in the bible!!  I was able to put away my fear.  He also guided me to a second opinion Dr who also agrees this is what I need.  So we are moving ahead with treatment.  

He has also shown me I have reasons to stay here.  I want my granddaughter to remember me.  I'll be happy to live here as long as he allows.  
This year, I'm thankful for . . .
1. Cancer.  Yes.  I am thankful for cancer.  I have learned so much about who loves me and the many ways they've shown me.  
2. My husband and children who have all been supportive.  The love they've shown me was a balm to this heart of mine.
3. God’s incredible way of supplying our needs even before we know we have them.
a. I would have been so worried about my mom during my surgery and recovery.  But God, in his infinite wisdom, planned for my brother to be with my mom during this time.  Before I even had my Dx!
b. I'm also thankful once again that he brought us back to Philly where we could see our family during this time.
c. Cancelled appts.  I was able to get in to see the Oncologist the next day due to a cancelled appt.
d. God also in his wisdom asked us to allow a couple who were coming to Philly on a ministry trip to live in our home for a month.  They were as much or more of a blessing to us than we were to them.  The wife was an encouragement and a help  to me during the early stages of exhaustion,  tests, etc.  The husband did things around the house that we are still thankful for when we see them.
4. Phillipians 4:7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
We learned first hand what this is truly like thru nothing we did on our own power.   It had to come from the Holy Spirit.
5. Verses encouraging me not to fear.
6. My pastor’s wife who set up a meal rotation for us.  
7. Meals from family and friends.
8. Modern medicine.  My doctors.  Nurses.
9. Ultra sounds and cat scans to diagnose that which is hidden from view.
10. Surgery to rid my body of cancer.
11. Robotic surgery to make recovery easier.
12. No complications from surgery.
13. The surgery did not cause the RSD to come out of remission! That's a big PRAISE!!
14. Radiation to help prevent recurrence.
15. My ‘odds’ of getting this cancer again will be 2% after radiation.  
16. My odds of getting cancer again may be higher because I'll be alive long enough to get cancer again.
17. My God who will get me through the radiation and any side affects.
18. Knowing how much I am loved by family and friends
19. Pastors who care.
20. Supportive and loving church family.  
21. Cards.  Gifts.  Verses written out on home made cards and which are still hanging on my frig.
22. A wonderful neighborhood for walking a mile a day which I'm now supposed to be doing.
23. Easy access to good for us food in this country.
24. Many people were upset that I had to go through cancer after having RSD. I however am incredibly thankful that The Lord chose to heal me of the RSD BEFORE I had cancer and had to have surgery.  I can't imagine that pain.

But mostly I am thankful for my loving Heavenly Father who has once again sustained me through the past few months.   I pray that He is glorified through this season in my life.  That someone will turn to him because they saw how he has been my strength.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!  

Our Days Are Numbered

5 Job 14: 5
A person’s days are determined; you have decreed the number of his months and have set limits he cannot exceed.

I have a prayer request that I prayed pretty often during my 18 years of RSD.   It's one I am not proud of but one that also points out to you how very much I hurt.  But it's also one that I'm so very thankful that his answer was not yet!

You see, I prayed that the Lord would take me home to him.  I figured during my most painful and most dark days that my family would be better off without me.  

Little did I know that the Lord had far greater plans for His Glory than taking me home.  I am eternally grateful for his mercy!

I am also very sure of the above verse being true.  I have seen several of my loved ones go through things which should have been their last day.  But, they weren't because the God of the Universe is in control and he said "it's not your time"!  These people went through things that are a part of living on this planet and which may cause some to breathe their last because God says it's their time but for others, they somehow make it through alive because God has different plans for them.  

These are not necessarily in order but stand out in my mind as examples...

My bro had a double pulmonary embolism event and lived to tell about it!  There are not many who make it through ONE pulmonary embolism let alone a double!  It was not his time.

My mom who was 89 at the time, went septic!  The Drs said to come say goodbye.  She lived! She's 93 now and is driving and working still!  It was not her time!

Our friends had a baby who was injured during birth and they were told to say their goodbyes.  She's around 1.5 years and is a very active little girl!  It was not her time!

And the latest....

This is not the actual crash photo, that's not mine to share

Our baby girl walked away from a CRASH in Aug!  The tow truck driver high fived that fact with her!  She should have been mangled pretty good but she wasn't and we know why!  God said it wasn't her time! AND for some reason, he spared her from great trauma to her body.  She may have hurt some and may have some lingering repercussions, but we are praising the Savior for her being able to walk away from this car.  

We all also know of people we think died unnecessarily or too soon.  The thing is, they didn't.  I've come to the conclusion that we can not do ANYTHING to lengthen our days.  ( the jury of one, my opinion, is still out on whether we can shorten our God given days through suicide, but even so, He knew before we were born if we'd take that way out.  I just don't know.)  

I have also been to nursing homes recently.  I see people who's lives are lived for years in sad shape at the end of their lives.  Is this because we live in this sinful world and this stuff happens?

I wonder if maybe, just maybe, the way I treat my body today may have an effect on how I live out the rest of my days.  If I'm careless with my body, I may suffer more at the end, but I can't add or take away from the number of those days...just maybe the quality.  I don't know but I think I'll try to take better care of this body.

Nah.  I don't plan on going nuts with the health food cause I've seen even that cause someone grief.   I do however, hope to make wise choices, be a WEE BIT more cautious (THAT will not be easy and notice the emphasis on wee bit, cause again, I'm not going to go to the extreme!) and take care to see the Dr when needed.  

And Lord willing, I'll be like my mom who is 93 and still getting around on her own!  

Joni and friends Family Retreat 2

My week at Maranatha for the Family Retreat was such an encouragement to me in so many ways. I had been struggling for a while that I was not capable of getting through this week.  I worried that my stamina wouldn't last.  That I wouldn't be able to know how to get along with my camper.   That I wasn't spiritual enough.  That I wouldn't have the answers I needed for any questions, etc.

The other night, I read the prayer journal I kept while at Joni and friends Family Retreat, Maranatha.

God is so good!  He answers prayers even when we forget we've prayed them and even when we forget to go back and thank him for those answered prayers.  Sometimes we pray and put things in God's hands, as we should.  Sometimes we pray and keep on fussing, which we shouldn't.   Sometimes we pray out of a rote sense of this is what I should do, not expecting an answer.  But too often, when the answer comes, we don't even think about the fact that it was an answer to prayer.

I'd like to share a bit of my prayer journal with you to encourage you too, to remember what you've prayed for and when God has answered those prayers, to thank him.  Some of these, I saw the answer right away, some I realized when I reread my journal the other day that oh, that was an answer to prayer!     Here's a few prayers and the answers:

Night 1:
Lord, I pray that my pain/stiffness would not interfere with my duties.
          I have some back pain that is sometimes intense after I've sat a lot and I sat A LOT on the way out to camp, having driven in from PA to be there in MI.   We then did a lot of sitting for our orientation meetings and at one point, I figured it would be helpful to my back to lay down during the next meeting.  One of my fellow STMs put her hand on me and prayed for me.  I am thrilled to say that my pain was NOT a hinderence at ALL that week! God is so good!  He knew I didn't need to be distracted by pain and since I had already learned that GOD was the one using my body that week to minister, I knew I could handle it.

Lord, I am feeling overwhelmed at all I might see and do this week.
 and then, Night 2 I prayed:
Ah Lord,
You never cease to amaze me with your greatness- your timing- your grace. I hadn't been sure that I was spiritually ready or good enough for this week.  It's not about me, is it? It's not about what I can do, but what YOU want to do through me!  Use me Lord, help me be the vessel you want me to be.
God, through his mighty ways, and through the teaching, prayers and words of others when we arrived at the camp, let me know that HE HAD THIS!  It wasn't ME who would be ministering to others at the camp, but HIM.  He had just asked to use my heart, hands and feet to let HIM love on his special ones.

Help me love Sheri (my assigned camper) and her mom while you love them through me.  I pray that I may help Sheri to keep it cool and that she has no or few melt downs.
I did love Sheri and her mom!  The love I feel for them was beyond what I have ever felt before and felt like it was beyond my capabilities, once again showing me, God was using this dirty, broken, eartly vessel.
 One of the other STMs at our dinner table one night asked me how long we'd known each other (me, Sheri and her mom) and we answered that we had just met.  They were surprised because they thought that we'd known each other a long time.  Oh that I lived this way all the time!  Loving others with God's love.

Night 3:  at this point, it seems as if I only had thoughts of thankfulness. One was,
Thank you for the blessing of Sheri.  
Sheri was truly a blessing to me!

Night 4:
What a fabulous day! Thank you! ....Lord, Sheri is a doll.  She has such a sweet way about her.  Loving people, caring about them, comforting them.  The smiles she brings to everyone's faces are precious- Her mom is great too!  
Lord, as easy as my week has been, its been that hard for other STMs.  I pray for your strength + comfort upon them. I pray for the leadership. 
I believe that there was such an air of God working through all the STMS that week! It was an incredible experience to see so many believers set themselves aside and allow God to use them as his vessels.  We saw a lot of God that week!  I am reminded of two young men who loved on two brothers with God's love to the delight of everyone watching them.

and more thankfulness...the day is ending, and I am overflowing with blessing.  What a great day you gave us! Thank you that Sheri has not had any melt downs and that her mom is able to relax.  I can't believe how this kind of week is a blessing to ALL who participate.  
Seeing the parents relax, enjoy themselves and be fed spiritualy and physically was not something I had anticipated at all!  I had come thinking that this was a week for the campers.  I left realizing that every member of every family is loved by the Father during family retreat!  I also saw STMs, leadership team, and even the kitchen staff be used by the Father, blessed by the Father, and loved on too!

I must've fallen into bed on Wed night and Thurs nights since I did not write in my journal those days.  I know God was working through those days with more of the above going on!

I kept feeling like I had God appointments that week.  Times when God stepped in and sent me on a special encounter.  One such one was friday AM.  I got up early, not having taken note that we didn't have our 745 AM meeting.   I decided that I would go visit the boat landing which I had not seen yet and have devotions there before breakfast.   I found a nice park bench on which to sit.   I hadn't sat for long when I heard a funny noise and realized that it was the automatic sprinkler system for the house behind where I sat!  I must have looked quite funny trying to get out of the way of the coming water!  I managed to get myself out of that area and decided to go get a cup of coffee in the main building.  Who did I see?  Sheri's mom.  She had a question for me and we found a corner to sit and have our coffee.  It was a great time of one on one with her.  And then, I so proudly (I'm so good at illustrating, "pride goeth before a fall") say, we haven't had a melt down this week! And mom says, "the day is not over yet."  She knew how very taxing a week at camp is for Sheri and knew that it was quite possible that I'd still experience a meltdown.
And I did.  The thing is that Sheri realizes when she's melting and will go off and find a place to withdraw and get her composure again.  I sure could learn that trick!   She took a nap and when she woke up, asked what was wrong with what she'd been doing that I had tried to get her to stop.   We apologized to each other, me for having made frustrated her and her for having gotten upset with me.  And then, we moved on and had a great time at the closing program.  Sheri exhibited a tremendous ability of teachableness & forgiveness.  And I, I was humbled once again and taught the lesson that I learned the first day.  GOD HAD THIS!  And God, not Karen, kept Sheri on an even keel.
Oh God, thank you for lessons learned.  I felt as if I was watching Someone else living through my body that week.  (at least until I took over on friday) Oh to live this way always!  Thank you Lord, for reminding me of how it looks to allow You to work through me!  And, my stamina held.  My pain was not an issue.  I learned to love others with special needs in a way I had never before done.  I learned that it wasn't a matter of my spirituality, just willingness.

Thank you Sheri and mom for a great week!  Thank you Lord for this most special of retreats!  And Lord, show me how you expect me to use this experience in the future.  Help me know your will on whether I do this again or not.  (I think I've already been given that answer as I type)

Joni and friends Family Retreat 1

Every single one of us on this Earth has a job to do for our Heavenly Father.  

I'd like you to meet Sheri, "my' camper/teacher while I was an STM at a Joni and friends family retreat this summer.  I will never look upon disability the same again.  I used a wheelchair (for distance and/or trips that needed endurance) for 13 or 14 years of the 18 years I had a pain disease called RSDS.  Medically speaking in February 2012, I went into a Spontanous Remission (spiritually, it's a whole other story of healing) and no longer needed my wheelchair.  So, I thought I'd go push someone else around in a wheelchair for a couple of days. Then, I met Sheri.  And my life changed.  I just hope I will not let this experience be lost in the shuffle of all other of life's business.

In June, 2012, we went out to Michigan for our niece's wedding.  She was getting married at Maranatha where she had met her wonderful husband.  What a great place to have their wedding, remembering the years spent there and their love that grew there.  Not too shabby for the guests either to get to spend some time on Lake Michigan!

The weekend of the wedding fell in between two weeks of Joni and friends family retreat and we heard a lot about the retreat that weekend.  I remember sorta blurting out (which seems to be a norm with me.  Blurt, then think) that I should go and be an STM (short term missionary) for a Joni and friends family retreat.   After saying that I got to thinking about why I should do that and the simple reason was that I had used a wheel chair.  I had not been able to get around Maranatha on previous visits very well while I had RSD.  And so, I would understand that need to be pushed in a wheelchair.  I'd been there, done that and could relate.

Little did I know that God may have been behind my blurt, in the very least, he used that blurted out statement to teach me.  And, I pray, use me.

You see, I just naively assumed that I would be helping someone get around physically.  I mean, Joni has a physical disability and so, I just was thinking I'd be pushing a wheelchair.  Little did I know the Lord would open my eyes and my heart to a whole new world of disability.

For about 24 hrs before my Camper Sheri arrived, everyone would ask who is your camper going to be? When I'd say, Sheri, most would get a smile and say, "Ah, Sheri.  You are going to have a great week."  I heard that sometimes STMs would ask for Sheri.  I heard that one STM said that Sheri taught her to be more friendly to people.

I did have a great week. It went fast.  I think I met most of the people who were there.  You see.  Sheri did not see a person there who wasn't worth greeting, loving, caring, helping.  She has a strong sense of right and wrong.  Eagle eyes to see whats wrong in her world.  No one had a zipper on their bag that went undone while she was around.  I could use her around all the time to remind me to close my purse! Oh, think of the times of spilled bags I could have avoided.

Sheri's capacity for caring shamed me (and yet taught me at the same time) when one of the other campers shared of the Home going of her aunt.  Sheri was the one in the group to get up, cross the room and give that girl a hug.  Wow.  Compassion.

Sheri and the others showed me what it should be like when we worship the Lord!  Loud, joyful praise to our savior!  And oh, does she love the Lord.  I thought while praising the Lord that week, that this is what it will be like in heaven.

Well, all except I've grown up thinking that everyone will be perfect in heaven.  No more physical, mental, emotional disabilities.  And yet, sometimes I wonder.  Aren't these precious ones already perfect? I mean, God made them.  Created them in his image and without mistake.  Hmm.  So, my previous percieved ideas on heaven may be a bit cloudy now.

The Armor of God

 Do you ever skim over verses that you were taught so often as a child because "I KNOW these verses! I don't have to really think about what they are saying!!"  I confess.  I have. And these are some of the ones I've skimmed over.  

And paid a high consequence.

10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.
 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 
12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 
13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 
14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 
15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 
16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 
17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 
18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people. 

Ephesians 6:10-18 (NIV)

Do you put your armor on everyday?  To be honest. I don't. I should.  But I get up, get going on my day and forget. 

 I was reminded of  Sunday School at Grace Chapel, Havertown, PA.   I have memories of learning these verses and pretending to put on the Armor of God.  But I can't quite remember fully whether there was a flannel graph or a story board or what had the armor pictured on them.  So I googled "Armor of God".  Go ahead.  Google it!  I got 10,500,000 + links!  YES!  Over 10 million!!! I just went back to check my number and it had gone up to 11+million! SCADS of images too! So I started looking at the images and couldn't begin to look at them all to find an example of an illustration for a child's lesson.  

I liked this one because it's simplistic and since I'm a girl, I liked that it's a girl.  Usually it's a picture of a boy or a man! 

Somewhere in my life I forgot to put on my armor everyday and then it was for weeks.  Then months.   I was waging a losing battle.   I feel like I might have waved a white flag while I had RSD and given up fighting.  

The first time I heard Matt Redmon's song You Never Let Go I think I had tears rolling down my face.   I felt the Lord was reminding me that he was there during the darkest of my days.   Those days where I wanted it all to end.  The pain.  The mental torture.  The depression. Those fiery arrows or darts of the evil one!  And oh, was he having a field day with me!  

But, HE (God) NEVER LET GO of me even tho I did not have my armor on and was struggling to survive.  In fact, I begged him to take me Home to heaven!  I can not sing this song without incredible love and thankfulness for my God.  Who LOVES me!  ME!!!  It's mind boggling the Creator God would care enough to hold MY hand through the darkest of times.  Doesn't He have enough to do to hold the world together without needing to keep on holding MY hand?  Especially when I haven't fully outfitted myself for war?    God does care!  He love me!  again...mind boggling!  And guess what?  HE LOVES YOU!  YES!!! YOU!!!!

If You have first put on the helmet of SALVATION  God will not let you go even though you may forget to put on your armor.  

I have fallen prey to those flaming arrows of the evil one more than I care to enumerate.   And somehow when I forget my armor one day and the arrows hit their mark, I believe the lies and from there...its just a slippery slope to a losing battle because I then daily forget to put on my armor.

I am so so thankful that I KNOW who is going to win the WAR!   And I have an "immunity pass" for the battles, I will not lose my life!  I may be injured.  Scarred.  MIA.  But I will not lose the battle and MY God will have the final Victory!   We already know the end of the story and it doesn't look good for the evil one and his minions.  

All of this thinking about the Armor of God came because I realized tonight that I have been set free from my bondage to the lies Satan has been telling me that I was/am a failure of a mother.

Yes.  They would have had a much sweeter childhood had I remembered my armor daily.  And, yes, I would have had much less angst about my shortcomings.  The days I screamed.  The days I said NO cause it was easier.  The times I spanked when I should've talked to them or spanked too hard.  And even, the times when I shoulda spanked and didn't.  I may not have always been the mom I could've been but I am not a failure.  That would be like saying God failed.  And He never fails!  

By not putting on the belt of Truth, Satan's lies about me being a failure clouded my memories of all the good times and the good I did as their mom.   Giving birth to them, loving them, feeding them, playing with them.   The books we read.  The devotions we had together.  The songs we sang and the music we played.  The friends they were allowed to have over because I was the at home mom.   The things I made for them like the cardboard pocket knives I made because MacGyver has to have a pocketknife!  Or was it because Grandpop always carried one? The super hero capes for them to save the day.  The dresses I made.  The pockets I added to pants so that the boys would have "pocket pants" (I'm sure this was because daddy had pockets) and this was when I had a newborn!  The meals we made and delivered together as a family to people in need so our children would learn to serve others.  The boo-boos I patched up.  The injuries (mostly for the second child) I couldn't handle and called dad in to pinch hit.  The times I held them while they were sick, cleaned up after them and kept a chart of who got what medicine at what time because all were on different medicine schedules.  Allowing a band to practice at our house even tho music made the pain worse.  The never ending supply of play dough and utensils for hours of creativity.  The birthday parties held at our house when other moms paid someone else to give the party.  The birthday cakes I created instead of buying.  Oh man.  Now that I have been freed from the lies I've believed for so many years, you can see my mind is flooding with memories that had been clouded. I"ll not bore you anymore, suffice it to say...

 I have 3 wonderful adults I call my children and they give me great joy.  They are who God has designed and created them to be. They are wonderful and marvelous! They are His creation  and they are his work, not mine.  I am honored that he allowed me to be their mom.

And maybe, just maybe I've learned my lesson to keep on putting on the Armor of God!